My Weird Stash of Random FMA Stories
by daveypandas
Summary: These are silly stories that I make up when I get bored. They are in no certain order. Enjoy!
1. New Couch

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Ed was nauseous all morning from the news he received. Mustang wanted Ed to stop by his office at noon. Havoc briskly came by earlier to give Ed the note, and that meant that he had no choice but to go. Al never said anything about it, but he somehow managed to compliment the clear sky. Ed sulked about the thought of going to see Mustang.

Later on the way to Mustang's office in Central Headquarters, they saw Fuery.

"Hi Fuery!" Al said brightly.

"Hello. Are you on your way to Mustang's office?"

Ed replied grimly, "Yes."

"It isn't too much. He seemed like he just wanted you to visit."

"Thanks," Ed muttered and walked down the hall where the Colonel's office was.

Ed turned to Al, "Wait outside for me, okay?"

"Yes, Brother."

Ed knocked on the door.

"Come in," Mustang said as usual.

Ed opened the door, came in, and closed it behind him. Mustang was sitting at his desk.

"I'm glad you're in town, Fullmetal."

"So, what did you want me for?" Ed asked impatiently.

"I thought you would like to see my new couch," Mustang gestured to a shiny black couch that workmen were slowly lowering to the floor. They went out of the office after Mustang thankfully nodded to them.

"Is that all!"

"No," Mustang slightly laughed, "I need you to get me some paperwork on this person for me. I only have part of it. I've been very busy and I thought you might get it for me later."

"Are you kidding me?"

"I'm not, Edward. I'll also need you to help me fill out paperwork profiles, since you may be more familiar with these people than I am. I could tell by your last report that you have met up with more people."

Ed stood there, shocked that Mustang made him into his guinea pig.

"You know, Fullmetal, you are welcome to have a seat on my new couch."

He sat down. It was a black leather couch.

"You did good this time, Colonel. This couch is comfy, and it doesn't smell like French toast."

"Is that right?" Mustang said sarcastically.

"Yup."

"Anyway, Ed, here's what I have so far on this piece of paperwork I've kept…" Mustang droned on about it.

Ed leaned back a little and crossed his legs. The couch really was comfortable. It was so comfortable that he felt like drifting off…

"Mr. Elric, are you listening!"

Ed's head shot up quickly, "Yes!"

Mustang looked down at his paperwork, silently reviewing over it. Ed couldn't prepare himself for what came out next. Ed let out a loud fart that echoed around the room. Mustang looked at him. There was a very long moment of silence between the two of them.

Ed quickly said, "So…sorry Colonel, I…I…couldn't help it! It…just…. came out!"

His face grew red. Mustang looked slightly disgusted at first, then he started laughing.

To Ed's relief, Havoc came into Mustang's office to ask the colonel about important business. While Mustang was distracted, Ed ran out of the office, grabbed Al by his arm, and dragged him out of the building.

"What happened, Brother?" Al asked.

"I…I…let one rip on Mustang's new couch!"

"You---What!"

"I already told you!" Ed's face grew even redder. Al was quiet.

"Al, how about we go see a movie? I'm bored."

"Sure. Whatever you say."

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A/N: Feel free to review. 


	2. Mason's First Lesson About Women

A/N: Thanks to all my loyal readers and reviewers.

Disclaimer: I don't own nothin'!

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Mason was six years old. He just started working for Izumi and Sig Curtis. He was assigned to do things such as errands. Everyday, Mason would bug Izumi with random questions like: "Where do babies come from? Is your hair always like that? How old are you?" 

For a bundle of those questions, Izumi would scowl Mason.

One early morning, Mason stood beside Izumi's front door to wait on her for his training. Izumi opened the door in her robe.

"You're early today, Mason."

"Uh, yeah…"

"You are welcome to come inside and sit on the sofa while I change clothes and get ready."

"Okay."

Izumi opened the door to let Mason inside.

"Now Mason, whatever you do, don't open the door while I'm changing."

"Yes, Teacher."

Izumi went to change, and Mason nervously sat on the sofa. He looked out the big window that revealed the landscape below. A huge spider made its way to the outside part of the window. Mason kept asking himself what kind of spider it was until he decided that he'd ask Izumi. He walked up to Izumi's door and quickly turned the knob. Izumi was in her underwear picking an outfit from the closet.

At that moment, Mason forgot all about the spider, but he pointed to the bra that she was wearing, and asked, "Teacher, what is that? What does it do?"

Izumi turned around and saw Mason standing in the doorway. She screamed, "Get out! Get out! I told you not to come in!"

Mason didn't budge. Izumi threw a book at him. He still didn't move. Mason just stood there. Sig came in, "What is all this commotion?"

Mason weakly smiled. Sig looked over to Izumi, then he put his arm around Mason's shoulder, "How about we go have a little talk about how you should understand Izumi's expectations."

"Okay," Mason grunted.

* * *

A/N: I had a small case of writer's block, but now I have gained inspiration. 


	3. Edward vs Vitamin

A/N: Depending on who you are, this might seem disgusting…

Disclaimers: I don't have any plans to own FMA, trust me.

* * *

Edward was bored. He was bored because Al was gone to get books and groceries. Ed was left in the room all by himself.

He was sitting in an old chair with his head in his hands. Something on the table across the room caught his attention. It appeared to be a bottle of some sort. He stood up and walked to the bottle. It was a bottle of Flintstones Vitamins for kids.

Now, Ed was definitely confused. He thought _'Flintstone vitamins? I never buy these!'_

He picked up the bottle. It had a sticky note posted to it: '_This will help you with your height problem, Fullmetal. With love, Colonel Mustang.'_

Ed rolled his eyes in anger and opened the bottle. It was full of fruit-scented Flintstone vitamins. He reached his hand in and pulled out a red Fred Flintstone one. Ed didn't feel like eating it, but instead, he experimented and put in into his right nostril.

'_Why did I just do that!'_ he thought _'I must be crazy!'_ He took his fingers up to his nose to take it out, but the vitamin moved toward the back of his nostril.

'_No! Not now!'_ He blew, but the vitamin didn't move_. 'Oh crap! It's stuck!'_

He blew harder. The vitamin moved forward.

'Good. This will be out in no time!' he put his finger into his nose to pry it out. It moved backward again.

2 hours later…

Ed got up from the chair. He was waving the vitamin in midair saying, "I have finally pulled you out! You will pay!"

He grabbed a piece of paper and jotted a few words down. He took the piece of paper along with the vitamin, put them into an envelope, wrote Roy Mustang's address, stamped it and sticks it into the mailbox in the hallway. Al was walking in the hallway.

Al saw Ed and asked, "What did you put in the mailbox?"

"Oh that? It's nothing."

They walked back into their room.

The letter Ed wrote said: '_You jerk!'_

Along with the letter was the wet and slimy Fred Flintstone vitamin with the head missing.

* * *

A/N: I know it was weird. Please no flamers. This was based on a true incident. 


	4. Lucky Charms

A/N: When I first saw Gluttony, he reminded me of a really big baby. Now for another update…

Disclaimer: Take it all...It isn't mine...

* * *

"Hey Ed, come here," Roy called from his office.

"What is it this time?" Ed returned to the doorway.

"I'll make a bet with you."

Ed squinted his eyes, "What are you trying to do?"

"Nothing. I just wanted to make a bet," Mustang coolly replied.

"What is the bet on?"

"Havoc is going on a blind date tonight. I'll bet that he wins her."

Ed obviously chose the opposite, "I bet that she'll definitely ditch him. If I win, you'll have to dance around this entire building in a skimpy tutu. I'm not joking!"

"Fine," Roy gave Ed an evil grin, then whispered in Ed's ear.

"What! There's no way I am going to do that!"

"You made the bet," Mustang reminded Ed.

"Okay, okay. But let's not forget your bet, Twinkle Toes!"

"Or yours either, Lucky Leprechaun!"

"I'M NOT A LEPRECHAUN!"

"You will be when I win the bet," Mustang said. He spins around in his chair and starts to laugh evilly, "Muahahahaha!"

This made Ed's eyes twitch.

* * *

The Beginning of Havoc's Date that Night

Havoc went to an Italian restaurant and saw a pretty brown-haired lady---his blind date. Her name was Maria (and she was blind in one eye). They met up and sat down at a table.

Havoc nervously twiddled his thumbs, "Uh, do you like to smoke?"

"Some of the time," Maria replied.

Havoc smiled.

* * *

The Very Next Day

Havoc came into his office as always. Most of the people were talking about the bets that Ed and Mustang made, and a few others were placing their own bets. A lot of the men were crowded behind Havoc's door. He heard the commotion and opened his door.

"How was the date?" one of the guys asked him.

Havoc was dumbstruck, "Why do you want to know?"

Another guy said to Havoc, "A few of us have been placing some really good bets on it."

Havoc was completely silent for a long time. Ed and Roy started pushing their way through the crowd and asked Havoc very loudly in unison, "How did it go!"

He smiled and his face turned a rosy shade of pink, "She gave me her number!" Havoc falls into a daze.

Roy shot Ed a smirking glance. Ed shook in anger and swore really loud. The men cheered to see what Ed had to do. Roy pulled Ed over to the side. He shoved a box of Lucky Charms into Ed's hands and forcefully put a green hat on his head. Ed turned a deep shade of red, feeling embarrassed and abused.

He ran around in circles weakly saying, "Ahhh! They're after me lucky charms!"

The whole place shook with laughter. Feeling helpless, Ed quickly ran and hid inside a closet.

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A/N: Poor Ed, there he goes into that closet again…Please review. 


	5. Christian Bookstore

A/N: I wrote this story several months ago. Enjoy! Please don't be offended...it's not that, just read.  
Disclaimer: Please don't sue me...

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It was a cold, wintry day. Blizzards swept all around Central, and the days were gray and short. Scar was walking around town, huddled up in his mustard-yellow jacket. For the first time in a long while, Scar saw puffs of white breath coming from his mouth. He wiped the snow off of his sunglasses.

_I never had to do any of this in Ishbal_ he annoyingly thought _but I still have to do what I have to do, no matter what the consequences are._

He constantly kept passing by stores and apartments all day long. He had nothing to do, so he decided to read the store signs while passing by. Scar did this until a particular sign caught his full attention.

This is what the sign said: _CHRISTIAN BOOKSTORE----- For all you religious folks out there, this is the store for you!_

Scar peered through the store window to catch a glimpse of the inside. It was full of books, bookmarks, coffee, posters of Jesus, and a little bald old manager irritably tapping his fingers on the counter while reading a dirty magazine.

He opened the door and went inside. The old manager snapped up as soon as he heard Scar come in.

"What can I do for you?" asked the manager in a smirky manor.

Scar quickly answered in his usual tone, "Just looking."

"Okay. Take your time."

Scar slowly walked around, trying to calculate this religion that was new to him. He slowly searched around the shelf of books, until a familiar voice said to him, "So Scar, you've decided to become a Christian?"

Scar looked down and saw Edward Elric trying so hard not to laugh. Scar didn't answer. He just stood there, staring at Ed.

He finally said, "I didn't even know that the famous Edward Elric was religious at all."

Edward paused, looked at his feet, and grumbled, "Umm…I…was…just looking, you know. I'm not that religious."

"I was just looking also…Humph, what am I doing in here anyway? Later, Fullmetal."

Scar made his way out of the store. Ed's facial expression was blank.

Ed sighed in relief, then said to himself, "I'm slightly surprised that he didn't kill me, or at least not even mentioning to kill me."

Ed secretly decided that he wouldn't tell Al. But, what was Scar doing in a bookstore that wasn't his religion?

Ed walked out of the store, pretending to forget what happened.

* * *

A/N: One day I was looking around in a Christian Bookstore, just to see what new things they had in, and somehow, this story found its way into my head. 


	6. Prune Juice

A/N: Don't laugh too hard…You might pass out…

* * *

Dante slung the fridge door ajar in pure ecstasy, and she pulled out a bottle of deep purple liquid---prune juice. Uncorking the bottle that held the fruity liquid, she seated herself at the dinner table. Then, she pushed the tip of the bottle to her lips and heavily drank in delight. When the entire container was empty, Dante smiled in satisfaction. The silence was broken…

"Excuse me, Madame Dante," said the maid named Lyra who peered from behind the kitchen doorway, "I was checking to make sure you're okay."

Dante looked at her with disapproval, "You were spying on me?"

"Yes," admitted Lyra.

Dante curved her lips into a fake smile and gestured Lyra to the opposite seat, "Come child. We shall talk about many things."

Lyra nodded and did as told. Dante opened the refrigerator again and began to get out another bottle of purple liquid, "Have I told you how Homunculi are created?"

"No, Madame."

Dante poured the purple liquid into glasses and continued on, "Well, you've heard of equivalent exchange, haven't you?"

"Yes."

"Anyway, it's what happens when you try to bring somebody back to life," Dante got seated as she held up one of the glasses, "It's a failed attempt to bring somebody back to life when…PRUNE JUICE!"

Dante forcefully shoved the bottle of prune juice at Lyra's lips.

"Drink it! Drink it!" Dante screamed, "Drink it…you…little…"

Lyra helplessly drank the prune juice. As the juice inside the bottle began to wane, Dante collapsed onto the table and began snoring loudly.

* * *

A/N: …whoa… 


	7. Pencil Sharpener

A/N: And another update! Whoooooohoooooooooooooo!

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At the State Headquarters, there is only one pencil sharpener in the building. This pencil sharpener is nailed to a wall, beside a window, in the Furher's office.

Every morning, the Furher proudly goes up to the pencil sharpener to sharpen his favorite pencil. This daily routine is the best part of the day for the Great Furher King Bradley. Every time he steps up to sharpen his pencil, he moans with great pride. He'll close his eyes and cherish the moment.

While sharpening, he thinks to himself _A great sharpener and a great pencil for me, the Great Furher King Bradley, and I'll never let anyone use my dearest pencil sharpener._

It was always this way, until the day he heard a knock on his office door…

"Come in," said the Furher.

Colonel Roy Mustang came in with a broken pencil almost saying, "I don't mean to interrupt, Furher, but I need to use the pencil sharpener."

The Furher paused, turned around, and grit his teeth together with words of anger, "What…Did…You…Say!"

"Um, is something wrong, sir? I only needed to sharpen this one pencil."

"NO! YOU'RE NOT USING IT!" The Furher backs Mustang up into a corner, holding out his newly sharpened pencil in attacking position.

"No……….Furher! Don't! Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Mustang yelled in pain. He held onto one of his eyes and scrambled out of the Furher's office as fast as he could.

The Furher blew on the pencil exactly as they blow guns in a Western film. It was the pencil that poked Colonel Mustang's eye out.

"Nobody," said the Furher, "No living thing shall ever use, touch, or even insist on using my dearest pencil sharpener…"

He smiled evilly.

* * *

A/N: My science teacher has a pencil sharpener. One day this week, I was sharpening my pencil, and I came up with this story. Feel free to review. 


	8. Speakerphone

A/N: This is another random story…Just having some fun…

* * *

The Furher was working in his office.

gurgle

grumble

He looked at his stomach and said to himself, "My goodness! I must have overworked myself…Maybe I'll go somewhere out to eat…maybe somewhere like McDonald's, yes! I'll go to McDonald's to try that fruit and walnut salad all the ladies are talking about!"

King Bradley happily left his office with hopes of going to get lunch. There was only one problem---his speakerphone was left on...

* * *

Everybody stared in awe from the announcement ringing out of the speakers. The Furher was leaving the building! And everyone knows what that means…

* * *

Ed, Al, Mustang, Armstrong, Havoc, and Hughes went upstairs to make sure that the Furher was gone. His office was empty---time to have a little fun!

Armstrong was the first to quickly grab the speakerphone that was already on. He sang aloud, "I feeeel sooo preeeeetty, oh so preeeeetty, soo haaaapy and gaaaay---"

Havoc quickly took the speakerphone from Armstrong and announced, "If you want to go out with me, send me a carton of cigarettes to my office mail box!"

Hughes casually took the speakerphone from Havoc and yelled, "WHO WANTS TO SEE MY WEEKEND PICTURES OF ELYSIA? CUUUUTE!"

Mustang pulled the speakerphone out of Hughes' hands, "ALL WOMEN OF THE MILITARY MUST RAISE THEIR SHIRTS UP TO MEEE!"

Ed smacked Mustang in the head, which made the speakerphone drop to the floor.

Al gently picked it up, "Uh, hi everybody! Umm…"

Ed took the speakerphone away from Al and announced, "LET'S PARTY! Ready? Hit it boys! music starts playing I like ta move it, move it! I like ta move it, move it!…"

Everybody in the State Headquarters partied...

* * *

5 hours later...

The Furher came back into the building with a grin and proudly said to himself, "That was one very good fruit and walnut salad."

He looked around and saw Mustang sleeping on a hallway table with a beer bottle in his hand.

The Furher leaned over the colonel, "It appears that Mustang is taking an afternoon nap."

And he walked upstairs to his office thinking about how good he looked while eating the fruit and walnut salad.

* * *

A/N: If you noticed, it took him about 5 hours to eat the salad. laughs Please review. 


	9. Smelly Plants

A/N: I made this story when I couldn't sleep…

* * *

Edward was about to walk into the bathroom until the intercom came on with Mustang's voice. "I need Fullmetal to see me in my office right away."

_How embarrassing…_ Ed thought. He really _had _to use the bathroom, but instead, he went to the Colonel's office.

"Come in," said Mustang. He was seated at his desk.

"What do you want me to do?" Ed asked impatiently while crossing his legs.

"I need you to help me put away some paperwork."

"Again!"

"Yes, but take it with you. I wouldn't want to be staring at you while I make some phone calls," Mustang said.

Ed snorted.

"Just stay here until I get back with it, okay Edward?" Mustang said seriously.

"Yeah sure," Ed told him. Mustang left the room. Five minutes passed. _Oh God_ Ed thought _I really have to pee._ He was afraid to leave the office since he's already been in trouble with Mustang plenty of times. Where could he go to take a leak? At that same moment, he saw potted plants arranged on the floor beside Mustang's desk. 'Twas the perfect opportunity.

Ed walked over to one of the plants, unzipped, and relieved himself._ Ahh! Much better._ The soil wasn't nearly as dry as it was, and because of that, he hoped the Colonel wouldn't notice. He zipped back up before seating himself.

When Mustang came back carrying a stack of paperwork, Ed asked, "What took so long?"

"A couple of papers were missing, but I managed to get them. I need you to go to Havoc's room and file these. The cabinets will be in his room this week."

Ed grabbed the paperwork and went to Havoc's office. All day, a stinky smell lingered around the plants. Mustang never could figure out what it was.

* * *

A/N: Feel free to review. 


	10. Armstrong's Farttastic Nickname

A/N: This is weird. I got the idea from my stepsister's nickname "Pooter".

* * *

Mustang, Havoc, Ed, Al, Hawkeye, Fuery, Breda, and Hughes were taking a break in the lounge. Armstrong came in as happy as ever booming, "I've written a heart-warming poem!"

"I didn't know you write poetry," Hawkeye said.

Armstrong ripped off his shirt and said, "Writing poetry has also been passed down the Armstrong line for generations!"

Everybody grew silent.

"What did you write?" Al asked with curiosity.

"I'm so glad you asked!" said Armstrong. He opened his composition book and read the poem while demonstrating with dramatic movements. "This is what I call _'Le Farte'_." Armstrong cleared his throat:

_"Le Farte is flatulence,_

_is flatus away the stomach._

_You cannot see it._

_Thus it is a rumble pack,_

_A rumble pack of gas,_

_For it can be felt and smelled._

_Relieving away,_

_It keeps away traffic,_

_The traffic of the air bubbles,_

_Deep in the intestine._

_Sometimes it's purposely let,_

_And other times it's unexpected._

_The Fart, yet what I call Le Farte,_

_Is clearly, and always has been rejected."_

Everybody turned their heads with slight disgust. In this case, Armstrong proudly strode past them and walked out of the lounge. Because of this poem, Armstrong earned his nickname "Pooter" behind his back.

* * *

A/N: Yeah, it's crazy. Feel freee to review. 


	11. The Singing Felines

A/N: If I ever get a cat, I'd name him Tessio.

* * *

Ed and Al were on their way from the Military Research Center to Mustang's office. Mustang wanted Ed to pick up some paperwork for him. He didn't want to, but he had to anyway. They were walking down the sidewalk. Al heard something.

"Ed, did you hear that?"

"Hear what?" Ed asked lazily.

"Never mind."

They stopped at another block. Ed said to Al, "You can go wherever you want while I find a way to get this to Mustang, okay?"

"That's fine with me."

Ed ran in the direction of the State Headquarters. Al sat down on the edge of the sidewalk, close to an alleyway. He heard something, was it singing? It was coming from the alleyway. He stood up and walked into it.

Various high-pitched voices were singing: "Galileio!"

"Galileio!"

"Galileio!"

"Galileio!"

"Galileio Figero!"

Al didn't know exactly who or what was singing, but the song was the Bohemian Rhapsody.

_Who would sing Bohemian Rhapsody in an alleyway in the middle of daylight?_ he thought. A mental picture of Scar doing that somehow slipped into his mind. Al shook off the thought.

_No _he thought to himself again _Scar wouldn't do that._

He followed the noise to the back of the alleyway and couldn't believe what he saw. He saw three rows of cats standing and singing the Bohemian Rhapsody. Al felt himself starting to freak out, though, he actually enjoyed seeing the amazing group. He sat down on a crate and watched.

He thought 'I hope I'm dreaming. I should just sit back and enjoy this while I can.'

Suddenly, the singing cats stopped completely when they saw Al watching them. Their amber eyes glared at him from where they were standing. They got on their four legs.

"Umm…were you singing?" he asked the cats. They didn't do anything or say anything, but leave in stiff silence.

"Wait! Come back!" Al said again. He didn't go after them, but instead, he sat back down on the crate slouched over with his armor head in his hands.

He concluded, "I was probably seeing things."

"Al! Where are you?" he heard Ed calling from the street. Al walked out of the alleyway and saw Ed running to him.

"Brother, shouldn't you still be in Mustang's office?"

Ed smiled and burst out into laughter.

"What's so funny?"

"You won't believe what happened! After I quickly gave Mustang his paperwork, Hughes called me over. When I asked him what he was up to this time, he said 'Mustang left his coffee in the lounge, so I'm going to bring it to him.' Then, Hughes whispered in my ear 'Between you and me, I put a dissolving laxative in it.' I couldn't believe it! Mustang was soon running to the bathroom!" Ed rolled over laughing.

"That wasn't nice…"

"That cocky Colonel deserved it!"

They paused for a minute, until Al asked, "Do you think I'm crazy?"

"What are you talking about, Al?"

"I saw these cats singing the Bohemian Rhapsody. Please don't laugh. I-I think I was only imagining things."

"Probably."

While they were walking, Al made up his mind that there weren't any singing cats. But, Ed swore that he heard something singing the Bohemian Rhapsody.

* * *

A/N: Every time I hear the song, it makes me think of cats singing it. Feel free to review. 


	12. Wedgie

A/N: Here's some more rivalry fun being continued…

* * *

Envy was mad at Greed one day. He was mad about the last fight he had with Greed. Envy was defeated, and he craved the sweet revenge.

_I know what I'll do!_ Envy thought _I'll beat the pulp out of him! I'll kick his ass!_And so it was decided.

Greed was near a field, taking a simple catnap in his favorite hammock. Just as he was having the best dream he's ever had, he felt something punch him awake.

"Wake up, you friggin moron!" Envy yelled.

Greed sat up, still half-way asleep, "What is it, baby?"

"Baby!" Envy asked with a confused face, then he yelled, "Snap out of it and fight me!"

Greed woke up completely and stared at Envy, "What the hell do you want?"

"I already told you! To fight!"

"You are way too easy to beat. Go back home, sissy man."

"I'm not a sissy man! I'm a…a…" Envy didn't know what to say.

Greed laughed, "Gender can be very confusing. Now let me get back to my nap---OR ELSE!"

"No way!"

Envy kept bugging Greed with his big talk. He decided that it had to stop, so he stood up and walked behind Envy.

Envy didn't know what he was doing, "So now is the time to walk away from behind me and ignore the fight. I'm soo scared. You what are you going to do now, Mr. Moneybanks?"

Just as he wasn't concentrating on what Greed was doing, there was a loud yelp coming from Envy.

"YEOW!"

Greed had pulled up the back of Envy's skort, picking Envy up along with it. He dropped him as soon as his entire skort was up his crack. That, my friends, is a true wedgie.

"Now go home you little maniac or I might decide to kill you!" Greed said.

Envy walked away from Greed on the long dirt road trying to pull out the wedgie that was embedded in his crack.

* * *

A/N: Kinda gross, butcan be verylikely to happen…Please Review. 


	13. Firewood and Juicy Fruit

A/N: Armstrong and Pinako make a great couple, don't you think?

* * *

"Mrs. Rockbell, I have chopped up some more firewood for you," Armstrong said to Pinako.

"You are such a kind gentleman."

"Thank you. It runs in the Armstrong line for generations!" Armstrong strips his top off.

Pinako giggled, "Now, now, Armstrong. Don't go and lose your modesty."

"I'll try not to. Maybe I'll haul in the rest of that firewood," Armstrong goes outside.

Pinako went back to work on an anonymous automail. Winry came into the room asking, "Why is that man here, Granny?"

"He's kindly getting our firewood for us."

Winry's face brightened, "Then that means, if he's here, Edward and Alphonse must be here too!"

Pinako shook her head, "Surprisingly, no."

"How! Isn't he their bodyguard!"

"He came all the way up here by himself. It must mean that Edward and Al aren't in any danger right now."

"I don't get it!" Winry stomped off to her room.

Armstrong went inside with his arms full of firewood asked, "Where shall I put this?"

"Just beside the fireplace is okay. Why are you helping us and being so kind, anyway?"

Armstrong stared deeply into Pinako's eyes, "I love you."

* * *

Winry was going downstairs while chewing on a piece of Juicy Fruit gum. She heard Armstrong talking to Pinako. The only words she heard him say were, "I love you."

She stood there in shock. She finally gasped for air, but she couldn't. Winry then realized that she was choking on the piece of Juicy Fruit. She fell all the way down the stairs.

* * *

Pinako and Armstrong heard a loud THUMP, THUMP, THUMP! It was Winry falling down the steps. Winry landed on the foot of the stairs with her eyes closed. She coughed the gum out, and it landed between Armstrong's eyes on the lower part of his forehead. Armstrong was staring at the gum, cross-eyed.

"Let me get that off of you," Pinako said while grabbing for the piece of gum.

Winry dizzily sat up, "Where am I?"

Pinako pulled the gum off of Armstrong, but he was still cross-eyed.

"Can you get your eyes back to normal?" Pinako asked.

"No. Oh how will I face anyone? Going cross-eyed isn't supposed to run in the Armstrong line!"

"Don't worry," said Pinako, "You'll be back to normal at any time."

"I shall wait."

Armstrong was cross-eyed for two weeks. That's what happens if somebody chokes on Juicy Fruit.

* * *

A/N: If I was Winry, I'd be laughing like crazy...lol...Feel free to review. 


	14. Fighting Over Chicken Noodle Soup

A/N: Ahhahahahah! This one was fun to write.

* * *

Havoc, Fuery, Falman, Brosh, and Breda were sitting at the cafeteria table, bored out of their minds. The cooks were behind for an anonymous reason. They were all slumped over the table with their heads in their hands---until Ed came in. Ed came in as usual, passing by the group of State Alchemists and sitting down at the opposite table. They had their eyes on something that Ed had brought with him. It was a bowl of chicken noodle soup.

Havoc leans over to Denny's ear and asked, "Where'd Fullmetal get that soup?"

"I dunno. Chicken noodle soup sure isn't on the menu today, though," Bloch replied.

Breda said, "Just looking at it makes me hungry!"

"If the cooks aren't done cooking yet, then where'd he get that soup?" Fuery asked.

Falman crossed his arms and said, "Beats me. We have got to find out how he got that soup once and for all!"

Havoc asked, "Who'll find out for us?"

"…………."

Hughes popped out of nowhere. "Hey!"

Fuery, Havoc, Denny, Breda, and Falman didn't answer.

Hughes said, "What's with the long faces? Wait, I know something that will cheer you up!" He starts to pull out the deck of pictures in his pocket until Falman cut in,"Okay, okay! We need to know how Fullmetal over there has chicken soup and we don't!"

Hughes scratched his chin."Hmmm…I'll go ask." Hewalks over to Ed, who is now reading on a document "How's it going, Ed?"

Ed looks up and sees Hughes. "Hi Hughes. What is it this time?"

Hughes said, "Well,the guys and I are wondering about one thing. Umm, where did you get that chicken noodle soup?"

Ed puts down document and sighs. "Promise that you won't tell anyone?"

"Yeah, I'm with ya," said Hughes.

Ed tells Hughes. Hughes walks out of the room trying not to explode with laughter. Ed continues to read the document.

Theguysyell, "Hughes! Wait! Hughes, come back and tell us!" After Hughes leaves the room, they all go over to Ed.

Ed felt them towering over him and looked up. He asked, "What do you guys want?"

Havoc said,"I want that soup…"

Ed replied,"No way! There's no way that you guys are going to pig out on my soup!"

"Oh really?" Breda asked suspiciously.

Ed told him,"Yeah! It's my soup!"

Denny screamed,"I can't resist!"

He ran over to take the soup. Fuery tripped him and Brosh landed on Ed's foot. Ed tried to pull his foot away along with the soup. Ed started to run until Havoc tackled him. The soupwas about to tip over the edge of the table until Falman saved it. All of a sudden, a loud voice was heard---It was Mustang's.

Mustang yelled,"What is all this commotion?" Mustang saw the men and Edward all in a tangle on the floor. He eyes the bowl of soup "AND WHO TOOK MY SOUP?"

The guys quickly stood up and pointed at Ed, who was still lying on his stomach and looking up at Mustang.

"So Fullmetal, you took my soup?" Mustang asked.

Fuery was confused. "Hey, wasn't that Fullmetal's soup?"

Falman said,"Obviously not."

"Umm…Let's see…So this was the famous Colonel's soup?" Ed joked around.

Mustang said,"Don't play with me, Ed. Did you take it?"

"Yes," Ed answered.

"Give me a good reason," Mustang said.He arrogantly squinted his eyes.

Ed sighed and told the Colonel, "No matter how many soups I've ever tried, yours are the best."

* * *

A/N: Feel free to review. 


	15. TwentyDollar Bill

A/N: I wrote this a couple months ago when I got bored...

* * *

Mustang was walking down the street with his overcoat on. He was feeling very bummed out that day from all of the paperwork. He gazed at the sidewalk. Looking down continuously, he saw a $20 bill lying on the ground. He bent over to pick it up, but the dollar bill was stuck to the sidewalk. Mustang leaned over and tried to lift it again. The dollar couldn't be removed.

Mustang cursed under his breath and got down on his knees. He used both hands to pull on the dollar, but it still didn't move. By the time his fingers turned red, Colonel Roy Mustang gave up.

* * *

Ed was looking for Al.

_Where did he go?_ Ed thought _I hope that he isn't searching for another lost cat…_

Right then, Ed saw one of the most wonderful things---a twenty-dollar bill!

_What would twenty dollars be doing here? Oh well…who cares?_

Ed leaned on one knee and attempted to pick it up. The dollar wouldn't move; it felt as if it was cemented to the sidewalk. Ed was aggravated. He clapped his hands to clear the pavement that circled around the dollar, and he tried to pry it. But the dollar remained unmoved.

"Just give it up, Fullmetal," said Mustang, who was watching Ed attempt to take the twenty-dollar bill from the sidewalk.

"Fine," Ed grunted.

Atall, muscular young man with an X-shaped scar on his face came by. He had that scar, fluffy white hair, and had sunglasses on. He walked past Ed and Mustang. The man closely observed the dollar, along with the evidence of attempts for it to be taken, then, he casually lifted the dollar off of the pavement.

Ed and Mustang gasped.

The man with sunglasses succeeded to pick up the dollar along with a string of bright pink bubble gum trailing behind it from the sidewalk.

The man mumbled, "…Just where I left it…"

He pinched the gum off of the dollar and stuck it in his mouth, then he pocketed the twenty-dollar bill.

Mustang and Ed stared in awe.

The man glanced at them before blowing a large bubble, "What are you lookin' at?"

They didn't answer. The man's bright pink blown up bubble popped, and he silently walked away.

* * *

A/N: Just if you haven't noticed, the man who succeeded to take the dollar is Scar. Can you guess where I got the whole gum and dollar idea?Feel free toreview. 


	16. Poems

A/N: My stomach hurts…

* * *

Bean Burrito

It all started with a bean burrito,

Stashed away in Mustang's desk.

Oh, how he loved that bean burrito,

That could be anyone's guess.

One day Mustang opened to drawer

To find the burrito was missing.

"It wouldn't have been gone," said the colonel,

"If I wasn't busy kissing!"

He looked around the building,

And under Riza's skirt.

But the bean burrito wasn't there.

Until he spotted it on Ed's shirt.

* * *

Ed

Edward Elric

Isn't ever a common runt to see.

Oh my gosh, did I say runt?

Because he's chasing me!

* * *

Loincloth

Why does Al wear a loincloth?

What does he have to hide?

Who made him wear that anyway?

It's something he's always denied.

* * *

RandomHaiku 

Somebody makes Mustang mad.

Mustang snaps his fingers.

Toast.

Scar meets a State Alchemist.

He puts his hand on the State Alchemist's head.

Splat!

Al is goofing off in the alleyway when Ed isn't looking.

Al stuffs a cat in his armor.

Ed tells Al to get going.

Al catches up to Ed.

Meeeeoooooowwwww.

* * *

A/N: Yeah, kind of weird and random…Oh well, Feel free to review. 


	17. Result of Shock

A/N: This one is kind of weird. But it is interesting.

* * *

Hawkeye was quietly sitting at her desk listening to the entire ruckus that Edward Elric and Roy Mustang were making. They were fighting like this ever since the day before yesterday. This thoroughly tipped over Riza's concentration and her nerves. She clenched her fist.

_This will be the last time_ she thought irritably.

* * *

**FLASHBACK**

Ed and Mustang were sitting at a table in the lunchroom.

"So, Fullmetal," Roy says casually, "Ready to file in another report?"

"Why do you ask?" Ed mumbled.

Mustang ignored him.

"Hello! I'm talking here!" Ed growled.

Again, Mustang ignored him. Ed just couldn't hold it in. Suddenly, he grabbed the Italian ice that was dripping onto his tray, and he shoved it onto the back of Mustang's pants. Mustang turned around and saw what Ed had done…(violent fight scene)

* * *

**PRESENT **

Riza Hawkeye booted Mustang's office door wide open and fired her gun. Obviously, Ed and Mustang were too shocked at the sight of being shot by a fellow comrade. Riza didn't want to shoot them, but she did that only to scare them off a little. She actually succeeded. Ed and Roy both accidentally backed into Roy's loosened office window. They fell backwards. This scared Riza. She ran over to the window in panic. This sight scared her even more. Roy and Edward were both dangling from the pole of the State banner that was only able to hold them up from the very edge of their underwear.

May God have mercy on Ed and Roy…


	18. Doctor's Office

A/N: Finally! An update!

* * *

"Sir, are you sure you will be all right?" Hawkeye worriedly asked.

"I'm fine," Mustang said weakly. He sat down and fell out of his chair.

"Listen," Hawkeye said firmly, "you have a fever that is one hundred degrees! Someone will drive you if you are too sick, and you are!"

"Okay, okay…you win…" he gave in.

Riza escorted him out of the office while she covered Roy up with a coat which was hanging from the rack. She led him to a taxi.

"Ahh…let me guess…the doctor's office?" asked the cab driver.

"Yes," Hawkeye replied. Mustang bit his lip. _The doctor's office? _was all he could ask himself over and over again.

When he got out of the cab, Mustang slowly stumbled into the medical building, landing himself into one of the waiting seats. There was an awful fluttering in the pit of his stomach. He rested his pale face on both palms of his hands.

"Hey Colonel! Why are you here?"

Mustang peered around and saw Ed. "Sick," he mumbled.

"What a surprise," Ed told him, this time, very dully. "…They want me to be drug tested…"

Roy softly chuckled. He would have laughed harder if he wasn't so ill. "Why? Surely the military said you didn't have to."

"No," Ed answered. "It's Winry's fault! She thinks I take drugs!" He rested his head on his knees.

"I can fix that," said Mustang. Ed lifted his head and saw him scribbling something on paper. He gave the sheet of paper to Ed. "Here, Fullmetal. It's under my command not to be drug tested, if that is what you want. I know you aren't doing drugs."

Ed ran over to Roy and hugged him, then he left the doctors office beaming with joy. Mustang may have been proud of helping Ed, but something came clear to him now.

_Damn!_ he thought _I'm still in the doctor's office! _

* * *

A/N: Poor Mustang…he's still in the doctor's office…Feel free to review. 


	19. Apples and Bananas

A/N: It's about time I put some of the sins in a story, for they have begged me so.

* * *

Lust and Envy glared at Gluttony, who was rocking back and fourth on the hard concrete floor singing, "I like to eat, eat, eat, apples and bananas. I like to eat, eat, eat, apples and bananas…"

"Will ya shut up already?" Envy said.

"…I like to eat, eat, eat, apples and bananas…"

"It's no use," Lust told Envy. She dramatically put her hand to her head because of all the foolishness. "What did you do to him? You were supposed to keep an eye on him."

Envy shrugged, "I just let him watch a little Barney, that's all."

Still staring out into outer space, Gluttony continued to sing, "I like to ate, ate, ate, apples and bananas. I like to ate, ate, ate, apples and bananas…"

Lust stood up and slapped Envy across the face saying, "You're such a jerk!" She left the room.

During dinner, Lust avoided eye contact with Envy. Gluttony sat there, staring into outer space, shoveling spoonfuls of mashed potatoes in his mouth, and singing, "I…ike ooh eeet, eeet, eeet, appahs and banahnahs…."

* * *

A/N: Darn you, Barney! Feel free to review. 


	20. I Feel Pretty the military musical

A/N: I thought it's time for a musical.

Disclaimers: I'm using the song "I Feel Pretty", but I **do not** own it. Armstrong had to borrow it for a couple of minutes...

* * *

Armstrong skiped his way through the State Headquarters bursting with joyous news---he finally got a date! All this energy was powered in his blood…He just couldn't help but to let it out…

He grabbed a towel and walked into the Shower Room. All of the guys were in there except Roy Mustang and Edward Elric.

"You look happier than usual," commented Havoc.

"Yes!" Armstrong, "I finally got a date!"

"Congratulations," said King Bradley, then he paused, "I think I feel a song coming on…"

Everybody in the showers listened closely to the growing sound of music. This music is the tune to: "I Feel Pretty". All the men began to do a synchronized dance.

**Armstrong** -strips off his shirt-

I feel pretty,

Oh, so pretty,

I feel pretty and witty and bright!

And I pity

Any man who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming,

Oh, so charming

It's alarming how charming I feel!

And so pretty

That I hardly believe I'm real.

See the pretty man in that mirror there:

Who can that attractive man be?

Such a pretty face,

Such pretty muscles,

Such a pretty smile,

Such a pretty me!

I feel stunning

And entrancing,

Feel like running and dancing for joy,

For I'm loved

As a pretty man and as a wonderful boy!

**Men **

Have you met my good friend Armstrong,

The craziest man on the block?

You'll know him when you see him,

'Cause his sparklies will put you in shock.

He thinks he's in love.

He thinks he's in Spain.

He isn't in love,

He's merely insane.

It must be the heat

Or some rare disease

Or too much to eat

Or maybe it's fleas.

Keep away from him,

Sent for Chino!

This is not the

Armstrong we know!

Modest and pure,

Polite and refined,

Well-bred and mature

And out of his mind!

**Armstrong **

I feel pretty,

Oh, so pretty

That the city should give me its key.

A committee

Should be organized to honor me.

**Men **

La la la…

**Armstrong**

I feel dizzy,

I feel sunny,

I feel fizzy and funny and fine,

And so pretty,

Miss America can just resign!

**Men **

La la la…

**Armstrong **

See the pretty man in that mirror there:

**Men **

What mirror where?

**Armstrong **

Who can that attractive man be?

**Men **

Which? What? Where? Whom?

**Armstrong **

Such a pretty face,

Such pretty muscles,

Such a pretty smile,

Such a pretty me!

**Men **

Such a pretty me!

-music stops-

Colonel Roy Mustang walked into the Shower Room with a towel wrapped around his waist. The guys rushed back to their original places.

"What's all this noise?" Mustang asked.

"Nothing!" they all answered at the same time.

Roy Mustang could have swore that he heard them singing to "I Feel Pretty"…

* * *

A/N: lol...Feel free to review. 


	21. Visit to Mustang

A/N: La la la la la…

* * *

The telephone in Ed and Al's dorm rang loudly at six o'clock in the morning. 

"I'll get it," Ed groaned.

He got up to answer the phone across the room, stubbing his toe along the way. He cursed aloud, alerting Alphonse.

Ed mumbled into the receiver, "Hello?"

It was Riza Hawkeye. "Edward Elric?" she said.

"Yes?"

"I have important information to tell you. The colonel is in the hospital."

This woke Ed up completely, "What!"

"Colonel Mustang had a little accident and is in the hospital."

"What happened?"

"It's a long story. In thirty minutes, Lieutenant Bloch and Ross will pick you up to visit him," Hawkeye said. She hung up.

"Brother, what is it?" Al asked.

Ed snorted with anger, "I have to go visit the colonel in the hospital."

"What happened?"

"I dunno, Al."

* * *

Hawkeye knew exactly why Mustang was in the hospital… 

**FLASHBACK **

Late at night, Havoc accidentally ran his car into an area full of wet cement. Mustang and a few others were trying to help him out.

Havoc stuck his head out the window, "What now?"

"Put it in reverse,"said Falman.

Havoc went in reverse too far, and he accidentally hit Mustang.

"Oh my God!" Havoc screamed, "I killed him! I killed my best friend! AHHH!"

Mustang looked at Havoc, "My back hurts. I'll be okay. Call an ambulance."

Havoc's humiliation was shone on his face.

* * *

**PRESENT **

Ed opened the door and saw Maria and Denny.

"So, I have to see Mustang?" Ed asked.

"Why not?" replied Denny.

"Al, you stay here."

"Okay."

Ed silently followed Denny and Maria to their car. Without a word, they drove to the hospital. They walked up to the front desk.

"Excuse me," Maria told the receptionist, "where can I find Colonel Mustang?"

The receptionist answered, "He's right down the hall in room 9A."

They walked into the room. Mustang was sound asleep. A nurse came in to check on him. Ed asked the nurse, "Will he be all right?"

"Yes," she answered, "he's on a lot of pain medicine right now."

After about ten minutes, Denny and Maria left the room, leaving Ed and the colonel all by themselves. "Hey! Don't leave me here all by myself!" Ed yelled at Denny and Maria. They didn't listen. "Oh well," Ed mumbled.

He sat down in a chair beside Mustang. Ed saw him open his eyes.

"What happened to you anyway?" Ed asked him.

Mustang ignored him. To Ed's surprise, he jumped out of the bed and just stood there.

"It looks like you're all better already!" Ed smirked.

Mustang ordered, "Give me a cookie!"

"Huh?"

"Give me a cookie!"

"No way!"

"Fullmetal," Mustang paused, "I like your attitude!"

"I…don't…get it…," Ed said blankly. _He must be delirious from all that pain medicine_ he thought.

"Yippee!" Mustang ran around the room. He bats his eyes at Edward and says, "Ohh Eddy?" Then he says to Ed again, "Ohh sexy girlfriend! Watch this!"

Heshook his butt in the style of a strange buns of steel move, or something.Ed was ready to have an anxiety attack! He ran out of the room and locked Mustang out. He ran to the car and saw Denny and Maria making out. Ed yelled, "Stop! Quit making out! Quick! Leave this place! The colonel has gone crazy!"

Denny and Maria paused. They knew that they shouldn't have let Ed be alone with the colonel…

* * *

Poor colonel! Poor Ed! Ed is probably scarred for life! 


	22. Office Disco

A/N: The song used in this story is in Romanian, I think. It's called Dragostea Din Tei (Phonetics), also known as the Numa Numa Disco.

Disclaimer: I. I do. I do not. I do not own. I do not own Dragostea Din Tei. I do not own Dragostea Din Tei or. I do not own Dragostea Din Tei or FMA.

* * *

**Office Disco**

In the late afternoon in the middle of October, Colonel Roy Mustang leaned back in his chair to stretch. He had no desire to complete the pile of paperwork neatly stacked at the end of his desk, nor did he want to dismiss himself with the thought of the mountain-load of it he'll have tomorrow. _Ah, what the heck?_ he thought. It was so quiet, too quiet. Roy stood up and walked to a table which was only a few yards from his desk. Why? There on the table sat a record player.

The short, yet stout-built Edward Elric lazily made his way down the hall, wondering if the Colonel would just pop out of nowhere and accuse him of loitering. It was different – even though the entire building seemed quiet, he heard music that seemed to be coming from Mustang's office. _Music in the Colonels office? It couldn't be…or could it?_ He stepped up to the door and closely listened. Just as soon as he looked inside, he saw that Roy was standing at a record player. He was singing. When he moved away from the record player, he began loosely dancing around his office, not noticing the blonde standing at the doorway. Ed quietly watched him.

He was singing:

"Mi-a-hii! Mi-a-huu! Mi-a-haa! Mi-a-ha ha!

Mi-a-hii! Mi-a-huu! Mi-a-haa! Mi-a-ha ha!

Allo, salut, sint yel, un hydook.

She teraw, youbeera mah, primesh der, vericheera.

Allo, allo, sint yel, Picasso tiam dat beep,

she sen voynic,

un dar sege ti notes cher nimeek.

Vrais a pleche dar numa numa i-ay, numa numa i-ay, numa numa numa i-ay.

Kipul tow she dragostea din tei,

Ma mintesc day oki ti-ay.

Despoon, set spoon, cheseet, ah kum.

Allo, youbeera mah, sint yel, vericheera.

Allo, allo, sint yarshio, Picasso tiam dat beep,

she sen voynic,

un dar sege ti notes cher nimeek.

Vrais a pleche dar numa numa i-ay, numa numa i-ay, numa numa numa i-ay.

Kipul tow she dragostea din tei,

Ma mintesc day oki ti-ay…"

Roy paused when he saw Ed. A softhearted expression shown on Ed's face. He laughed and said, "I didn't know you could sing in Romanian or dance!" They stared at each other for a few moments, and then Mustang grinned. He asked, "Does that turn you on, Fullmetal?"

"Yeah."

* * *

A/N: Next story, Ed has to give Winry a present, because Al makes him...


	23. Winry's Birthday

A/N: Ta-da! Lalalalalalalalalala! This is what one of the reviewers requested. Enjoy!

* * *

**Winry's Birthday**

Ed moped as he looked out the window, his hands resting his chin. Al uneasily shifted on the opposite seat of their train compartment. "C'mon, Ed. It's not that bad. Winry will be happy to see you."

"I took all this valuable work time to travel all the way to Risembol. I bet the Colonel will be pissed by the time I get back." Ed sighed.

"Don't say that! It's Winry's birthday and you know it!"

"What am I supposed to do? We don't even have a gift."

Al paused and laughed uneasily. "Umm…well…I kinda found something…"

Ed frowned. "Let me guess another cat!"

A faint _mew_ echoed from Al's armor. "Okay." Ed held his arms out. "Let me see it."

The younger brother took off the armor helmet, revealing a small calico kitten. Ed took it out, set it in his lap, and petted it for the rest of the train ride to keep him "away from all the boredom".

* * *

Winry grew excited when she looked through her living room window and saw Ed and Al. She ran outside to greet them. "Edward! Alphonse! Come here you two! I never expected a visit."

Ed guiltily smiled. "Actually, we're just visiting for the day.

"You don't want to stay for a few days?" Winry asked.

"Sorry, Winry. We won't be able to. But we got you something – your birthday present."

"Ooh, what is it? I want to see it," she said.

Al held the kitten out. Winry squealed, "Thank you! It's so cute. Have you named it?"

"Ed named it Mary," Al said.

"That's a pretty name." Winry scratched the kitten behind the ears. "Granny Pinako has dinner cooked and everything. Will you join us?"

"Sure," Ed and Al both said in unison.

* * *

At the dinner table, they talked of a few things going on in Central, trying to leave themselves out as much as possible. Winry and Pinako asked them a variety of questions, including one about Mustang. Ed answered, "He's the same as ever...ruthless…"

They all laughed, except Ed, who merely smiled. When Ed and Al were ready to leave, Winry hugged Al. But when she was about to hug Ed, instead, she whipped out her wrench and knocked him over the side of the head saying, "Don't come back again, Edward, unless you insist on me fixing your auto mail!"

"Like hell!" he screamed back at her.

Once he and Al were on the train, Ed, who was now holding an icepack above his eyebrow said, "Al, it's like I told you. I knew coming there wasn't a good idea."

Al dreamily replied, "Whatever you say, Brother."

* * *

A/N: It kind of ended up more as an Al x Winry, but, oh well…By the way, I am now taking requests. If there is a strange pairing that you just can't picture, I can write it. Feel free to review. 


	24. Envy x Hayate The Power of Guilt

A/N: If you didn't get this message, all pairing challenges are accepted. This first one is Envy x Black Hayate.

* * *

**Envy x Black Hayate- The Power of Guilt**

On one of the most chilly and rainy days in Central, Gluttony walked into the empty apartment, holding a doleful-looking pup between his thumb and index finger. Lust and Envy looked up, questioned about the sight. The little pup was black and white-furred, resembling something of a Husky. Gluttony excitedly swung it around and asked, "Lust, can I eat it? Pretty please?"

Lust shook her head. "No, Gluttony. I don't want to watch you cough up another hairball." Gluttony moped, holding onto the pup tighter. It squealed. Lust said again, "Envy, go take this miserable thing to the river. Nobody wants to hear its whining all day."

"Why do I always have to do the dirty work?" Envy complained as he stood up and rested his hands on his hips. "…all right. I'll do it." He walked over to the puppy, grabbed it by the collar saying, "Okay. You're coming with me."

He left the apartment, holding the dog as if it's poison. He continued to mumble. The puppy looked up at him, even more sadly. This caused Envy to stop and say, "Yeah, I'm talking about _you_…" The puppy whined. "…oh no, don't do that…" Just the sight wanted to make the most ruthless sin himself, Envy, want to cry. Those puppy dog eyes, the small, soft fur; who could object to something so innocent and sweet? He shook the thought off and dangled it over the river. _I must kill it…I can't let this thing control me! _But he hesitated…_No. I-I can't kill it…_

It was then he decided to simply let the poor thing live…He couldn't kill it, no matter how hard he tried. After all the human lives he took, he couldn't take a dog's. Setting the pup on the wet and rainy pavement, Envy frowned, trying not to show any emotion. "…okay…I'll spare your life. But remember, dog, I can still kill you if I wanted to! Now get out of my sight before I change my mind!" As the dog gratefully ran away, Envy whispered, "I hate you! Damned dog, ruined my reputation!" But what he really meant to say was, "_I love you too_."

* * *

A/N: Feel free to review. 


	25. Hawkeye x a cow I Will Miss You

A/N: Here's another request…Riza x a cow? Easy. Here it is.

* * *

**Riza x a cow- I Will Always Miss You**

Riza Hawkeye stood in her civilian clothing before the old farmhouse where she was raised. This is where her family still lived. How did she receive the opportunity to visit such a rural place? Since she never missed a day of work, the Colonel let her take off for a week. Nothing was going on in Central anyway.

She remembered growing up in this place as a little girl. It brought back many cheerful memories. Her family wasn't all why she came here to visit, though. The other reason – she came to visit her pet cow, Isaac. It was actually her father who named him. They received Isaac during a cattle trade-in years ago before Riza joined the military. And as strange as it seems, she and the cow became attached. When she was doing yard work outside, Isaac would always follow her.

When Riza knocked on the door, her parents ran to greet her, kissing her on the cheek. Her mom commented, "Oh, Riza! Your face looks gorgeous!" Her father beamed at her and said, "Our little girl is growing up. C'mon. Let me see you smile."

"Father, Mother." She hugged them both.

"My oh my! You really are skinny as a pole," her mother said. "I'd better go and get you something to eat. Come in, come in."

Mrs. Hawkeye rushed back and fourth to have their meal ready. While Riza sat at the table with her father, she asked them with more emotion, "How's Isaac?"

Her father, Mr. Hawkeye, wiped his face with his handkerchief and said, "I'm sorry, Sweetheart. He passed away a couple of days ago." Riza's expression saddened. "It's okay," she said. "I'll be fine." Mr. Hawkeye smiled and nodded. "You are a strong woman," he said.

_Yes, I know that. I have to me strong for the military,_ Hawkeye thought to herself, _but I will always miss you, Isaac._

* * *

A/N: Hawkeye is more emotional than usual… 


	26. Fuery x Breda Holding Hands

A/N: This one was fun to do.

* * *

**Fuery x Breda- Holding Hands**

****

In the mess hall at the State HQ, Havoc sat down at the table where Hughes, Breda, Fuery, and Falman were eating. He smiled.

"You look oddly happy today," observed Falman.

"Yeah," agreed Hughes.

"I am." Havoc blushed. "I have a girlfriend. We're going on another date."

Hughes began to laugh. "Well good luck. Just make sure that Roy doesn't beat you to it." Havoc spat, "Yeah right!"

"How about you three?" Hughes asked Fuery, Breda, and Falman. "Do you have any special 'someones'?"

"Nope. I'm single," answered Falman. "C'mon Fuery. I bet you have somebody in mind. You too, Breda."

"Uh, actually," said Fuery, "we…er…um…kind of going out…me and Breda…"

Falman started to laugh. "Good one. When did you learn to tell such a great joke?"

"We're not kidding," said Breda.

"Right. And now you're holding hands under the table?" Hughes falsely guessed. He looked under the table to prove it a joke, but instead, he saw proof against their ideal "joke". Fuery and Breda _were_ holding hands.

Hughes slowly sat up in mild surprise. "Oh."

* * *

A/N: Ah, it would be so wonderfulto seethe look on Hughes's face. Feel free to review. 


	27. Armstrong x Roy Like Family

A/N: Every time I see Armstrong and his lovely bundle of sparklies, it makes me want to sneeze…

* * *

**Armstrong x Roy- Like Family**

Armstrong was now a Lieutenant Colonel; hefelt soproud to be one. Working under the command of Colonel Roy Mustang was not only a dream career, but an honor. He gave more thoughts on moving up ranks with him. It was something he never really pondered about. For now on, it became his necessity.

When Roy returned to his office that day, Armstrong saluted. "Colonel, sir?"

"Yes?"

"There's something important I have to tell you."

"And what is that?"

"I pledge my forever loyalty to you, sir. I will serve all, each, and every one of your commands. I will be here for you." Armstrong leaned over and kissed Mustang's hand.

Roy smiled. "You don't have to do that."

"I did it because I love you."

"Good. Wait. What? No. What?" Mustang's eyes twitched.

Armstrong continued on, his eyes sparkling, "You are like family. I love you."

The Colonel sighed in relief and patted Armstrong's shoulder. "I'm glad to know. Thanks."

* * *

A/N: Please review. 


	28. Ed x Armstrong Sparklies

A/N: This is one of the weirdest pairings in the world. Ed x Armstrong? Okay. I think I can pull that off.

* * *

**Ed x Armstrong- Sparklies**

****

Ed was sitting in the train compartment with Alex Louis Armstrong, also known as "the gorilla escort". Ed knew it possibly wouldn't have any effect on Armstrong, because he was so absorbed in his "family generations". It was all crap. Crap, crap, and crap. But no matter how much Ed enjoyed teasing him, it kept him from becoming bored out of his mind.

In fact, there's something he could never admit to Armstrong, out of fear of embarrassing himself in front of the soldiers – it's those sparklies of his, just waiting to dazzle your eyes. How could a person be brimming with so much self-confidence? Ed knew he would never admit it, but it amazed him.

Armstrong turned his attention to Ed, who was staring intently with an air of interest.

"What is it, Edward?"

Ed blinked and averted his gaze. "It's nothing. I'm tired, that's all."

"Hmm…okay…" Armstrong said before looking out the window.

* * *

A/N: How weird…Please feel free to review. 


	29. Breda x Black Hayate the Love in Fear

A/N: How can Breda and Hayate be paired if Breda is scared of dogs? I will make it possible.

* * *

**Breda x Black Hayate- the Love in Fear **

****

It was a dull day for Heymans Breda. All he did was repair the Colonel's dripping ceiling from the pipes. It would have been better if Mustang himself did it, but Breda didn't complain. Just as he was about to fix everything, a flash of black and white pranced around the room. This made him hit his head on the ceiling, causing even more damage.

There is only one explanation for what he had just seen.

It was _the beast_.

Breda held his breath, hoping the creature didn't notice him. How come nobody else feared such a thing? It barked, its black, shiny eyes closely trying to observe the soldier. That was when Breda knew he was in trouble. _Dammit, _he thought. _I'm trapped_. The dog barked again. Breda tried to climb even higher on the ladder, but the shift caused it to collapse, sending him down along with it.

He woke up with a strange wet sensation on his face. As he came into full consciousness, he realized he was lying in the middle of the office being licked by _the beast_? _Is it going to eat me? _Breda paused. _Maybe not, but still. _

Then, the Colonel's voice came in earshot. "Are you okay, Breda?"

"…I don't know, sir…" he replied.

Mustang began laughing along with the other people surrounding him.

"What's so funny?" Breda asked.

"You were making out with the dog when you were passed out," said Havoc.

"Umm…I did?"

"Yeah," said Mustang. He was laughing even harder. Hawkeye came in to get Black Hayate and said, "I'm sorry this happened, Breda. I'll keep a closer eye on him."

Breda gulped. _You better keep an eye on him. _

* * *

A/N: lol…poor Breda…Please feel free to review. 


	30. Havoc's To Be Wedding

A/N: Someone requested "Havoc getting married", but to who? So I thought I'd spice it up a bit.

* * *

**Havoc's To Be Wedding**

****

Colonel Mustang irritably tapped his fingers on the desk, eyes fixed upon the multicolored-haired man seated across from him – Jean Havoc. Mustang said, "Havoc, are you sure you want to do this?"

"I'm positive," Havoc replied.

"What if I have to give you orders?"

"I won't have to care about that. I'll just take my love with me."

Mustang's muscles twitched. "You know what? You really sicken me…but, do whatever if you _have _to."

"Thank you, Roy! I really will follow you for the rest of my life! And you are officially invited to the wedding," Havoc joyously said.

To Mustang, this whole thing was crazy, or, was he just dreaming? Havoc must have been crazy. Everything now became very clear – rest assured, Jean Havoc was going to marry a carton of cigarettes.

* * *

A/N: Lol…I think he already is married to his cigarettes. Please feel free to review. 


	31. Izumi x Mustang Gigolo

A/N: Busyness! It can drive you crazy. :P

* * *

**Izumi x Mustang- Gigolo**

**

* * *

**

Ed came into Roy's office, slamming the door behind him. Roy stood up behind his desk and asked, "Where the hell have you been all this time!"

"It isn't my fault I was gone so long."

"Then whose fault was it?" Mustang's fingers impatiently tapped on the desk. Before Ed could say anything, his teacher Izumi Curtis busted the door open. She pointed to Mustang. "Explain yourself, Colonel!"

Roy looked bewildered, then gasped. "It-it's y-you!"

Izumi combed her dreadlocks back with her fingers and smiled. "Yep. It's been a while." Ed questioningly looked between the two and asked, "Do you know each other?"

The Colonel squeaked as Izumi pulled him up by the collar. "Of course I know him," she said. She slapped him in the face. "I've been searching all over for him."

"What's going on!" Ed asked.

Izumi grinned. "This gigolo won't escape."

"Gigolo?" Ed watched Izumi beat the tar out of the famous Flame Alchemist. Before leaving, she yelled at him while shaking her fist, "Next time, you better have my money!"

Roy's voice cracked, "Yes, ma'am."

* * *

A/N: Izumi a pimp? How weird…I thought of this while watching a stand-up on Comedy Central… 


	32. Scar x his sunglasses So Soprano

A/N: This story is in Scar's POV. It's a little bit OOC. Eeek!

* * *

**Scar x sunglasses- So Soprano**

* * *

****

As I walk down the street in the hot afternoon, there's nothing better to have than sunglasses. Ah, sunglasses. They are to be trusted. If only Ishbala had known earlier; my brother would have been proud to see me in sunglasses. I can strut down the street with my sunglasses on, even on a bad hair day, and I'll still look good. Think of it as one of the Sopranos. Yes, that's it. Just like one of the Sopranos.

I don't need a gun. And I don't need a slingshot. I have my right arm and sunglasses always by my side. I may not wear one of those fancy tuxedos, but my muscles and sunglasses tend to make me very intimidating. So sexy. Too sexy. Even a few women tend to eye me as I pass, but I don't need them. All I need is my sunglasses.

Sunglasses and women are the complete opposite – women never keep their mouths shut. That's the problem. My sunglasses agree with everything I do. The Homunculus named Lust especially never keeps her mouth shut; I wouldn't even think of going out with her anyway. Besides, who would want to go out with some creature that looks as if her breasts are going to pop out?

If there is a very good reason to be walking down the street on the hot afternoon, it would be simple. My sunglasses just make me look like – so Soprano.

* * *

A/N: I've never really sat down and watched The Sopranos, but I've seen a few things in it, for example, all those guys strutting down the street wearing tuxes and sunglasses. Lol… 


	33. Breda x Hayate Maybe a Little Cute

A/N: Here's another Breda x Hayate. Hmm…somehow this pairing seems to amuse some people…

* * *

**Breda x Hayate- Maybe a Little Cute**

* * *

****

Breda was sitting at his desk just like any other day. Something dashed into the room. There was only one explanation for this…It was _the Beast_. This creature gazed at Breda, cocking its head to the side.

_Oh no! Get away from me! _Breda thought.

The creature (dog) looked at him intently. _I'm harmless and I want to play._

Breda shook his head, almost hysterically. _Y-you talk? Stop it! Get away from my head you Beast!_

_Why do you hate me so? _The dog walked up to him, sniffing his jacket.

_G-get away! Shoo! _Breda tried to ward off the dog with his boot, but the dog didn't budge.

The dog asked, _Can't you see it?_

_See what? Stop talking to me! I don't talk to my enemies!…I must be seeing things…_Breda rested his head in his hands. _God, I must be nuts._

_No you aren't, _said Hayate. _You must really think I'm cute._

_Hell no! _Breda paused…_Well, maybe you are a little bit cute…Did I say that? Aahhh! _Breda fearfully ran out of the office with his carrot-red hair scrunched in between his fingers.

Black Hayate scratched his ear with his paw. _That guy will never learn._

* * *

A/N: Lol…weird…Feel free to review. 


	34. Roy x a tree Stuck

A/N: Roy x a tree? WTF?

* * *

**Roy x a tree- Stuck

* * *

**

Havoc, Fuery, Breda, and Falman had their faces pressed against the window in Colonel Mustang's office, watching the strange sight. Hawkeye came in to check on them, since they were being unusually noisy at the time of day. Fuery squeaked and ran to Hawkeye in tears.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"The C-Colonel…um…he's stuck…" Fuery said.

"Out of the way," said Hawkeye. She raised the window, only to see Roy Mustang, dangling from the limb of the tree, hanging on for his life. "Sir," she said, "are you okay?"

"I'll be fine," Mustang managed to say. "Tell the others to get me down! I'm stuck."

"Don't worry, sir. You'll be down in no time," she told him.

Unfortunately, Ed was strolling by and saw the strangest sight – Roy Mustang was stuck in a tree. He walked over to the tree and began laughing. Roy saw him and said, "Hey Fullmetal, if you don't stop laughing right now, I'll set fire to your little ass all the way from here."

Ed stopped and said, "I might as well help." He clapped his hands, transmuting steps that pulled from the tree's trunk. After Roy climbed down, Ed asked, "How did the famous Flame Alchemist get stuck in a tree anyway?"

Roy grinned. He said, "I don't see why I should tell you."

"Tell me! You owe me!"

"Nope." When the Colonel came back to his office, he threatened his subordinates not to tell a soul about the incident.

* * *

A/N: He got stuck in a tree for no apparent reason…Feel free to review. 


	35. Havoc x Romana Protesting Problem

A/N: Hmm…Havoc x a girl named Romana who forces him to quit smoking? Romana is another nickname for a "tomato". And tomato sauce – I call that "gravy".

* * *

**Havoc x Romana- Protesting Problem**

* * *

****

So far, this was the only date Roy Mustang hasn't taken away from Jean Havoc. This kind of girl wasn't Roy's type at all – she lived to protest. Havoc didn't care; he was fine as long as he had a date. Romana was a pretty girl. She had a sleek body, soft pale skin, and pretty red hair. To Havoc, she didn't even look like one who protests – a princess was more like it. They decided to meet at one of the restaurants in Central.

When they were seated, Havoc lit a cigarette and said, "So, Romana, what kind of protesting do you do?" It was a failed attempt to spark up a good conversation.

Romana looked at him uncomfortably. "I didn't know you smoked."

"Is that a good thing?" Havoc raised his eyebrows.

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "Well, smoking is what I protest against. I would be very happy if you stopped."

Havoc froze. "Um…My relationship with my cigarettes…I can't live…without…"

"Don't you know smoking is terrible for you? What if you or anybody around here suddenly conjures up cancer?" Romana pulled the cigarette from Havoc's mouth and tossed it out the window. Havoc's heart cried. _Who will I chose, cigarettes, or this pretty woman? _This was bad. Havoc wanted to cry, but he didn't want to show his date the soft side of him.

Romana seemed to forget about the cigarette and began to spark up another conversation, but Havoc was going through too much mental anguish to listen. This went on for the entire night until they were ready to leave. Romana said, "I had a very wonderful time with you and all, but if you want to go out with me again, you better have given up all your smoking."

When she was done saying this, Havoc fainted.

* * *

A/N: Poor Havoc…Feel free to review. 


	36. Breda x a woman dog breeder Brave

A/N: So many stories have Breda in them. What's with that?

* * *

**Breda x a woman dog breeder- Brave**

* * *

****

Breda was doing yard work outside. He stopped to wipe the sweat from his brow, and then he sensed one thing which could make his day go wrong – _Beasts_. A whole pack ran to him with an enthusiastic bloodthirsty-ness. He tried to run, in fact, he panicked. At that moment his world turned around. The dogs began to squeal and ran back to where they came from. A woman stood there, holding a whistle…a woman?

This woman wore short blue jean shorts, a tank top, boots, a ball cap, and two little braided pig tails dangling from under the cap. To any man, she'd be sexy. She walked over to Breda, who was now sprawled out on the grass and asked, "Are you okay?"

"Um…I'm fine now," Breda replied.

She helped him up. "I'm sorry. The dogs tend to get out of hand at times."

"You don't have to apologize. Are they yours?"

"Not exactly," she said. "I'm a dog breeder."

Breda paused for a second, looking aghast. He said, "You're very brave."

She shyly giggled.

He asked, "Would you like to go out sometime?"

"That would be great," she replied and smiled. "My name is Abby."

"The name's Breda. Nice to meet you, Abby."

For the rest of the day, Breda worked with more confidence. He knew that once he won her heart, no beast will ever try to attack him again.

* * *

A/N: Weird…I've never even pictured Breda with a date…Feel free to review. 


	37. Fuery x Gluttony Gotta Go

A/N: Fuery x Gluttony? Lol…What a strange pairing!

* * *

**Fuery x Gluttony- Gotta Go**

* * *

****

Gluttony sat, watching Fuery work on some mechanical things. Nobody noticed the homunculus standing there at the base. Maybe everybody was too busy to notice? When Fuery was finished, he stopped when he saw the round man standing there, watching him work. Fuery asked, "Do I know you?"

"I like you," Gluttony said in his babyish tone.

"Thanks," Fuery said, half scared and half bewildered. "Is there something you'd like?"

"I'm hungry…"

"Would you like me to get you something?"

"No…I'd like a picture…my mommy-girlfriend would like a picture of you," said Gluttony.

Fuery was on the verge of tears, mostly from nervousness and fear. He ran back into the main building yelling, "Sorry! Uh, I gotta go!"

Gluttony sat there for a few seconds before walking off.

* * *

A/N: Hmm…I wonder if Lust is more like a mom or a girlfriend to Gluttony. The world may never know…Feel free to review. 


	38. Gluttony x a frog Ribbet!

A/N: Somebody requested Gluttony x a frog…I've always pictured that pairing…how weird…I think I can pull it off.

* * *

**Gluttony x a frog- Ribbet!**

* * *

****

Gluttony was hanging around on the outskirts of Central while Lust went to get groceries. It was a very lovely day at the river where fish swam around in sheer glory…Gluttony licked his lips, thinking of the taste it would bring. After all, the fish _were _edible. This moment was interrupted by a loud noise-

_Ribbet!_

The Homunculus turned his head to see what this new, alien sound.

_Ribbet!_

"Huh?" Gluttony twisted his blubbery bald head around only to see a little green frog. It croaked again.

_Ribbet!_

The frog snatched a fly with its band-like tongue in such a short notice. Gluttony was awed. He picked the frog up with his dense hand and asked, "Where did you learn…to do that? Will you teach me…I'm hungry…"

In Gluttony's hand, the frog croaked again, staring at him with those pop-out eyes. Gluttony's face brightened. "I know!" he said. "I'll make you my bestest friend. Then you can be my brother. We can eat together."

_Ribbet!_

Gluttony's stomach grumbled. "Uh, oh…" Unaware of what he had just labeled the frog as – as a best friend and brother – he put it in his mouth and swallowed it. Then he looked at his hand and mumbled, "Where are you?" He looked around and finally realized what he had done. It didn't matter, for the sound echoed through his stomach.

_Ribbet!_

He happily walked home, listening to the frog that he ate…

_Ribbet!_

* * *

A/N: It was weird…but reasonable...poor frog…Feel free to review. 


	39. Because Ed Got Sugar High

A/N: Okay, in this one, Ed is in a sugar-high spree…Holy cannoli! And as an early warning, contains slight Roy x Ed and a good amount of crude humor. Some of the content may scare readers, since I've built up an immunity to this kind of stuff...

* * *

**Because Ed Got Sugar High**

* * *

****

It was a fateful day – the day of report analyzing. In the past two weeks, the military has seemed very boring lately. Everyone practically snoozed on their desks, including Hawkeye, yes, Hawkeye. Everybody in the military was bored. Everything started when Ed ate five chocolate bars…

…Ed does know **not **to eat five chocolate bars, especially when he knows it would make him hyper, and maybe have diarrhea later, due to lactose intolerance; he didn't care as long as it would save him from the verbal abuse from Colonel Roy Mustang.

Al begged him not to eat them, but Ed ate them anyway – he was sugar-high. When he arrived at Central HQ, he was in pure ecstasy: he threw confetti through the hallway, danced, and did all the other crazy things. Let me say it was very entertaining…

Mustang came out in the hallway to see what everyone was cheering at and saw Ed…sugar-high! Everyone else was cheering, but Roy knew this was wrong. Very wrong. He watched Ed take out another chocolate bar, this time deeply inhaling the scent it before he ate it. Roy watched; the chocolate bar just looked so good…_Then again_, he thought, _I can always do with one…_

In slow motion, Roy gracefully leapt up and snatched the bar from Ed's fingers. The crowd watched him eat it while Ed pitched a fit. By the time Roy became sugar-high, Ed forgot all about his kidnapped chocolate bar – he and Roy fed each other chocolate bars for the rest of the afternoon. It was very delightful.

Ed devoured ten bars of chocolate in all…When evening came at Ed and Al's dorm, Ed slept on the toilet…

Now that is what I call a true extremist.

* * *

A/N: It was so weird…I'm literally twitching it was so weird…I don't think this is one of my most prized stories, but I managed to pull it off…Feel free to review. 


	40. Lust x Al Bump

A/N: Lust x Al? Yep. Here it is.

* * *

**Lust x Al- Bump**

* * *

Alphonse Elric was standing outside in the market, waiting for his older brother who was in Colonel Mustang's office for the next report. It was a very beautiful day outside – the wind hardly blew and the sunshine peeked out from a fluffy white cloud. The market actually gave him something to do. He saw many colorful stands which held fruit and vegetables…_I know!_ Al thought, _I'll get something for Ed._

Before he reached the very end of the line, he bumped into something pale and cushiony. Al backed away to figure out what he had bumped into – a woman's bosom. The woman had long, wavy black locks of neat hair, smooth pale skin, purple eyes, and a black dress that revealed her whole upper chest, a strange tattoo in the center.

Al was so shocked, he didn't say anything, but the woman slowly said in a harpy and curt tone of voice, "Hey big boy. I assume you would like to try that again?"

"Um…no ma'am! I'm so sorry!" Al tried to muster up all the words he could think of, but it happened too fast.

"Pfft. Just like I thought," the woman said before walking away in her long black high-heels.

* * *

A/N: Lol…I got the idea of him bumping into Lust like that from the .hack/Legend of the Twilight Bracelet anime. It was when Shugo and Rena were kids and Shugo bumped into that lady when he first came into the world. Feel free to review. 


	41. Winry x Scar Ice Cream

A/N: If you are a big Winry fan, for your safety, it is safe that you don't read due to her liking Scar and Scar hating her…Scar's cool…rawr…

* * *

**Winry x Scar- Ice Cream**

* * *

****

Scar casually walked into the department store, which also happened to have an ice cream store in it. He was wearing his sunglasses on that hot day; the day was so boring that he just went there to look around. Goofing off on a day like this is something _anyone _can get away with…well…maybe not _everyone_.

Walking around slowly, Scar observed all the new things that just came in delivery the night before. He overheard the door open - the bells tapped the glass of the door. A pretty, blonde-headed teenage girl came inside and sat at a table. The manager rushed up to her table and asked, "What can I do for you, miss?"

The girl smiled. She said, "Hang on a second…Can I look at the choices of ice cream?"

"Sure." The manager gave her a menu before departing. Scar looked through more things, minding his own business, until-

"Excuse me, sir," someone behind him said. Scar turned around and saw the same blonde-headed girl.

"What?" Scar looked confused.

"Hello, my name is Winry Rockbell. I didn't know you were into tools also," Winry said. Scar noticed the section he was looking at. He mumbled, "I'm just looking."

"Oh. We could talk, though, I was wondering if you would like to have ice cream with me? You can pay." Winry smiled even brighter.

Scar thought for a second. It was too much. He already had the job as an enforcer..."I'll give you my answer." Scar gave her his death glare. "I'd rather burn in hell." He angrily left the store.

* * *

A/N: Hmm…I hope Ishbala didn't hear that…Feel free to review. 


	42. Scieska x her favorite book Kiss

A/N: Someone requested a Scieska x her favorite book? Hmm…I think I can pull that off. Here it is! …oink…

* * *

**Scieska x her favorite book- Kiss**

* * *

Scieska held the book in her arms and squealed with delight. "Oh my goodness! I found you! I finally found you!" She hugged it even tighter. "I swear, I'll never leave you again!"

A few soldiers stared at Scieska with slight disbelief, including Hughes, who simply smiled and said, "You can have it. I'm pretty sure none of us will."

"Oh thank you, Mr. Hughes!" Scieska said again, nearly ready to stand up and glomp him for one reason - finding her favorite book in the pile of rubble she left behind at the Central Library.

"Nope, no reason to hug me. I hug my wife plenty of times," Hughes said with a laugh, then he began to nearly whisper. "You'd better hurry up and get out of this place before Roy has a fit about me attempting to take off too early. He says 'Now you don't even try to take off early this time. I've already got enough paperwork.' So, I'd better get going."

Hughes rushed out of the room. "Mmm…I wonder what they're having for lunch…I'd better find out. Toodles!"

Scieska caressed the cover of her book, her face all red. "Um, well. I, uh, got to leave also…"

One of the soldiers (who happened to be a flirt and a jerk) said, "Aw no. Take your time." He grinned. "Maybe you and me could go out. How does that sound? C'mon baby. We can get to know each other." In fact, he was a low-ranking soldier, nothing more than a pee-on.

"No I won't, mister! You hear me? I won't! Uh-uh!" Scieska snapped. She tucked her hair behind her ears and said, "Besides, I'm already taken."

The soldier frowned, determined to know who would take her. "Aww come on. You know you like me better."

"That's it! I've had enough," she spat at the man, then she pointed to him. "I said I'm already taken." Scieska held the book up to her lips, giving it a long, hardy kiss.

At that moment, the soldier felt sorry for all the things he said and left the room with realization ringing in his mind. _She's a dedicated bookworm who's willing to turn your heart to stone. _What did it matter anyway? The soldier shrugged in hopes of finding another girl to take home.

* * *

A/N: Lol…nothing comes between Scieska and her books…Feel free to review. 


	43. Would God Create a Burrito Too Hot?

A/N: I give credit to (the angels wing) for bringing up and suggesting this idea to me. Thanks bunches, including to all my readers. If you are deeply religious, this means no offense.

* * *

**Would God Create a Burrito Too Hot for Him to Eat?**

* * *

There's one question to be pondered about: _Would God create a burrito that was too hot for him to eat? _

In a different case, it was what Colonel Roy Mustang - also known as the sex god – who was dealing with such. Alone, he stood in his kitchen, ready to make the strange Spanish food, a burrito. He heaved a deep breath, as if he was conducting his final alchemy experiment. His heart knew this wasn't going to be the end, but his mind seemed to be so troubled by this child's play ordeal.

The dark-haired Colonel raised his glove and let the flames spark down below the ingredients wrapped together in a tortilla. When the fire died down, a heavy scent of beans filled the kitchen; light smoke evaporated from the newly cooked burrito. Roy grinned, took off his gloves, and knelt close to it to inhale the delicious smell of the food floating above. Unaware of his actions, he swiped it from the plate to take a bite…a very painful bite…

Roy cursed as he spat out many gooey beans. Obviously for Roy, he very likely would create a burrito too hot for himself to eat just for the heck of it.

…but…

_Would God create a burrito that was too hot for him to eat? _

_No, he wouldn't. God doesn't need to eat. Creating a burrito that was too hot for him to eat would be rather pointless._

* * *

A/N: I guess that answers your question…lol. Feel free to review. 


	44. From the Closet

A/N: I thought that since Ed ran to the closet in several stories, maybe I'd write about him being in the closet. Let's see what happens…There's a slight Ed x Roy pairing.

* * *

**From the Closet**

* * *

Ed sat in the dark of the storage closet, all alone. He uncomfortably shifted around, at the same time, careful to avoid the sound to be noticed by any of the military personnel. This just wasn't a very good day for Ed. The day was packed with depression.

Time passed, about one, no, maybe two hours, and lunch time was drawing near. Ed's stomach made such a commotion, he hoped nobody would hear. He waited thirty minutes more, doing nothing but twiddling his thumbs, until a man's silhouette cast over the ridges of the closet door.

"Fullmetal, I know you're in there," Colonel Mustang's voice said.

"Go away!"

"We can't be that way, can we?" Roy said in his usual tone. He opened the door to see Ed hunched over, sitting on a big pile of junk. Hanging on a rack above him were the distinct blue military uniforms. Roy gestured for Ed to scoot as he sat down beside him. "You know it's dark in here."

"Yeah. Just the way I wanted it in the first place," Ed growled.

"What's your problem?"

Ed lowered his head. "I dunno. How am I supposed to know?" His stomach grumbled again.

"If you want to, we can have lunch in my office," Roy said. "I haven't had time."

"Great. Whaddaya got?"

"Stir-fry," Roy replied.

"It's good enough for me. I'm starved." Ed stood up, followed by Roy.

* * *

A/N: Aww…I think it is cute. Feel free to review.


	45. Ed x Al Clothes Shopping

A/N: After this last episode of FMA, I stayed up to watch Scarface. That movie is a bit too low for me. And it's pretty sad. : -P

I think that this is my first Ed x Al. I'm not sure…But since I don't ever remember doing one, I thought it would be cute to do one. Here it is.

* * *

**Ed x Al- Clothes Shopping**

* * *

It was a glorious day when Ed and Al finally reunited. They spent all day together taking on numerous activities and games. When Al questioned Ed about the clothes he was wearing, Ed laughed and said, "So you like them?"

"Yeah. Maybe I should get me some like yours," Al replied.

"Okay. I'll just have to take you to the mall." That's where they went. Al picked out a pair of high-priced trousers, a dress shirt, and a vest. While Al tried them on, Ed in a chair outside the dressing room.

When Al came out and spun around, he asked Ed, "Do these pants make my butt look big?" Truthfully, the pants _didn't _make him look big or anything, but it surprised Ed, who has never in his life been asked such a question.

"Um…" Ed studied him, trying to figure out what to say, "…they…look great on you, I guess…"

Al smiled with satisfaction. "Good. How much were they again?" he asked the manager.

"Ten thousand cenz."

* * *

A/N: I had to watch my FMA vol.8 DVD again at the scene where Sig was talking about how much the meat was. So I counted up the money for the suit. Feel free to review. 


	46. The Sign Up for the Greased Pig Contest

A/N: I got this idea when my uncle signed my cousin into a greased pig contest on the fourth of July years ago. Unfortunately, she didn't win. But I found it to be amusing. : D If you don't like Roy x Ed, don't read.

* * *

**Sign-Up for the Greased Pig Contest**

* * *

Ed stomped to Roy Mustang's office, slammed the door open, and said, "What do ya want now?" 

Roy crossed his fingers and smirked. Ed knew something wasn't right. Definitely not right… Jean Havoc pressed his ear to the door, hoping to find out what Ed would unusually be doing there at an early time. He heard Ed pitch fits and loud stomping and punching noises; before Havoc could hear more, the door opened, which sent him tumbling to the feet of a very angry Edward Elric.

Havoc straightened himself out and ran inside the Colonel's office. Roy Mustang was calmly sitting at his desk as if nothing ever happened. "Um…?"

"Yes, Havoc?"

"What went on this time?" Havoc asked.

"I'm glad you asked." Roy chuckled. "I signed Ed up for a greased pig contest."

"No way!" Havoc jumped up and rushed to Mustang's desk. "You gotta be kidding me!"

Roy shoved a bunch of papers in his face. "Proof." Havoc read, then he started dancing and laughing around the room with excitement, the papers still in his hand. When Havoc's laughter stopped, he asked Roy, "Never in a million years would I have ever thought you'd accomplish anything this far…how did you get Ed to agree?"

"It's my secret," Roy said with a small smile.

"Ah, I see," said Havoc. "Good old-fashioned blackmail."

* * *

A/N: If you noticed, there's supposed to be more to it...but what do I know? Maybe it's all the sarcasm…beats head against a wall I don't know why I just did that. It sure beats aspirin. Feel free to review.


	47. Tickle Bunny

A/N: If you are searching for some really good quality art pencils and supplies, they sell some of the best from Germany such as Faber Castell. I use Faber Castell and truth be told, it works very well for me.

* * *

**Tickle Bunny**

* * *

Ed was grumpily sitting on the couch in the lobby, bored as a rock, listening to Hughes brag about his family to Roy from the other room. Al was sitting in a chair beside the bubbling coffee pot. When Hughes finished the daily report on his family, both he and Roy walked into the lounge. When they saw Al, who appeared to be his usual optimistic self, they simply greeted him. But when they saw Ed, grumpy as ever, Hughes came up and sat beside him while Roy stood near the doorway.

"What's with the long face?" Hughes brightly asked.

"I dunno," Ed mumbled.

"Well you know what?" Hughes smiled really big. "I think you need the tickle bunny!"

"The what?" Ed didn't know what he meant, but it was too late. Hughes was already tickling him, giving Ed no mercy but to escape with laughter. Roy and Al were laughing along.

"Tickle Bunny! Tickle Bunny!" Hughes continued to say. "This sure cheers up my little girl!"

When Hughes stopped tickling Ed, Ed pointed his finger to Roy. "Now, I want you to tickle _him_."

Roy froze as Hughes made a childish eye contact with him. "Tickle time." After Hughes said that, Roy ran out of the room with Hughes chasing him.

* * *

A/N: Ahaha. I guess it is Roy's time to get tickled. Every time my brother gets tickled, he wets his pants… Feel free to review. 


	48. Turn Down : Ed's Dirty Secret

A/N: If you are an Ed x Winry fan, for your safety, do not read. But if you are an Ed x Winry fan and decide to read just to see what I could possibly have up my sleeve this time, get used to disappointment. Basically what I'm trying to say is…uh…I can't recall any Ed x Winry pairings in the anime or manga. Since I see so many Ed x Winry fan fictions, I'm trying something new. If you are a Roy x Ed fan, you'll love this.

* * *

**Turn Down – Ed's Dirty Secret**

* * *

Ed stretched out on the grass of the Rockbells' house all by himself, weighed down with laziness and a full mind. The temperature was about seventy-six degrees, a wonderful day for him to wear nothing but his boxers; any ordinary girl would simply drool with pleasure at the sight. As he was beginning to drift off, Winry came outside and sat down beside him while saying, "I had a feeling you were out here." Ed's eyes opened. 

"Yup," he replied.

Winry spread her lets out and sighed. "I wish I could see you more often."

"What about Al?" Ed asked.

"Yes, I can't forget about Al… Listen, I've wanted to ask you something."

"Hmm? What do you need to ask me?" Ed sat up to face her.

"Um, well…I've always had feelings for you, Ed…" Winry briefly looked away. "Do you have feelings for me? I mean, do you really love me?"

Ed paused for a second before combing his fingers through his side bands. He chuckled, then bluntly said, "Winry, Winry, Winry…I don't know how to explain this. I have no feelings for you at all."

"But why? What's wrong? Is it something I did?" Winry was at the verge of tears.

"No. The truth is – I'm gay. Sorry, but that's my choice. And I don't regret it." Ed gently smiled. He was interrupted by the dreadful sound of Winry's crying.

"I know I should be happy for you Ed, but I can't help it…" she sobbed. She wiped the tears from her puffy eyes. "Who is he?"

"The only other person who knows this is Al, and don't be telling anyone or they'll kick me out of the military. You have to promise that you won't tell anyone."

"I promise," Winry replied.

Ed grinned. "It's Colonel Mustang."

Winry, who was disappointed, stood up and left, leaving Ed to bathe in the glory of homosexuality.

* * *

A/N: lol…I found that last sentence to be quite amusing. Well, to me all of it was amusing to write. Poor Winry…I guess her only hope now is Mason if not Al…Feel free to review. 


	49. Scar's Turn Down

A/N: I must say that I don't like all these Lust x Scar pairings people always seem to think of exist, so I've decided to rebel against it just for the heck of it. I see no pairing between them, and Scar has no feelings for Lust (as he mentioned in the anime). And this means no offense to all you good people out there. I'm just writing this to exaggerate and have a little fun with my skill of writing well-contained turn downs.

* * *

**Scar's Turn Down**

* * *

Scar took a seat on the cold, hard, and dark pavement alley. He had returned from the Ishbalan camps, and now he was planning on returning to his regular schedule of hunting down State Alchemists. For a second, he closed his eyes, but was disturbed by a large haunting shadow.

"It's been awhile, Ishbalan man," a voice said. It was Lust.

"What are you doing here?" Scar asked, half enraged.

"Oh nothing." Lust emerged from the shadows. She gently traced the oroborous on her chest. "You are in for a real treat tonight."

"What are you talking about?" Scar asked suspiciously.

Lust slowly knelt down and pressed her chest to Scar's. "Oh, and you say you don't know what I'm talking about? Will this tell you anything?" She moved closer. Before her lips touched his, he quickly pushed her away.

"Get the hell away from me! You're disgusting!"

"Why?" Lust stood up.

"I have no feelings for you. I don't like you either. In fact, I've never liked you." Scar paused for a moment, before saying, "And wear some real clothes for once." He madly left the alley, leaving Lust behind. When Scar was out of sight, Lust transformed back into Envy.

"Damn!" he cursed. "I should've known."

* * *

A/N: Originally, I didn't plan for Envy to disguise himself as Lust until I got done with most of it. Then, I decided it would be funny if it was Envy all along, so there it is. Feel free to review; it would be greatly appreciated.


	50. The Fullmetal Chef

A/N: Holy cannoli! Somebody requested an Iron Chef special, so here it is.

* * *

**Fullmetal Chef**

* * *

Hughes, the host of this brand new show called 'Fullmetal Chef', put his mouth to the microphone and announced, "Hello, everybody. Welcome to the Fullmetal Chef, where alchemy starts in the kitchen. This one will be featuring desserts!…" He gestured to several tables stocked with cooking supplies. "…Table number one with Edward Elric and Roy Mustang! Table number two with Winry Rockbell and Scieska the bookworm! And table number three with Alphonse Elric and Alex Louis Armstrong!"

The audience cheered as Roy and Ed glumly dreaded cooking together, as Scieska heard her label 'bookworm', and as Al felt he was going to pass out from having to be stuck with the grand and boisterous Armstrong along with his army of sparklies.

"Now," continued Hughes, "you may begin!"

A loud bell rang, and all the contestants struggled to have their things cooked in a short amount of time. While this went on, Hughes commented on each one's activities. "Hmm… Ed and Roy are fighting, Winry and Scieska seem to be making the crust to a pie, and Armstrong and Al appear to be making…cannoli shells?"

Armstrong screamed out to Hughes in delight, "Oh yes! We mustn't forget the cannoli!" As he dipped the tubes holding the dough in hot oil, the oil spattered up into his eyes. "Aaahhhh! I can't see!" Al, who was panic-stricken at Armstrong's howls, accidentally knocked the oil over, causing it to splash all over Armstrong. Armstrong ran in circles…

"Yes, now lets move on and see if Roy and Ed got anywhere near cooking something…hmm…it appears they are making velvet cake and fighting with it at the same time…that right there calls for some skill!" Hughes chuckled. It was true. Roy and Ed were throwing icing at each other while spreading it one the cake.

"I wonder what the bookworm and Winry are up to…Ah, they are making a delicious looking pie! Yummy!" Hughes accidentally drooled on his shirt…

**Judgment Time**

Hughes motioned to all the judges - all seven of them - who were sitting at a long fancily decorated table. "At this table is where the judges will judge the best!" Hughes announced. "The first judge is Furher King Bradley…" The audience dully clapped. "And the rest of our judges are Lust, Envy, Gluttony, Sloth, Greed, and Ms. Dante! Let's give them a round of applause!"

…The entire room grew silent with no applause…

"Ookay. It's time to judge the winner!" Hughes stood closer to the judges while tables one, two, and three brought their desserts. Each judge tried a piece of each dessert. When they finished, Hughes said, "It appears we'll be judging table one's dessert first. What do you think about it?"

Dante licked her lips. "Mmm…Hohenheim's son made this…I'll give him a 9."

"Yum. I love velvet cake," said the Furher. "My wife makes it for me all the time, but this isn't as good as hers. I give Colonel Mustang and Fullmetal a 7."

Gluttony drooled. "…Must…have…more…10."

"Nah, I'll give the great Fullmetal shorty and his Mustang a big fat zero!" Envy proclaimed.

"It just-so-happens I like velvet cake. And it has a romantic taste to it," Lust said. "In that case, I give you an 8 1/3."

"I love my son, even if he technically isn't from me as a homunculus…I'll give my boy and his Colonel a 10."

Everyone stared at Greed. Greed shrugged. "I dunno. I'm on one of those Hollywood diets. Let me give you a 5 and we'll call it even, eh?"

Hughes got back on the microphone again. "It's time to judge table number two!" Winry and Scieska brought their oh-so-delicious-looking apple pie up to the table and waited until the judges were through.

The Furher smacked his lips. "It's out of this world! Apple pie…I give you girls a good ol' 10."

Gluttony drooled some more. "Yummy…10…must have more or…die…"

"Yeah, yeah. Not bad for two girls…if only we had more action," Envy commented. "I give a 9."

Lust smiled. "I think I'm in love with apple pie. I give an 8 ½."

"I'm still dieting, and by the way you girls look all hot and sweaty from all that cooking, I give you a 10," Greed coolly said.

"You girls earn a 10," said Sloth.

Dante bluntly mumbled, "I give a 7."

Hughes said, "Well, now that the first two pastries are judged, it's time for the last one! And that last one is – Al and Armstrong with their cannoli!" Armstrong and Al stepped up on the platform and walked to the judges table, placing the beautifully made cannoli in front of all. Armstrong had to wear facial bandages, but he wasn't hurt enough to destroy his never ending joy. Each judge took a cannoli off the plate (all except Gluttony, because he ate a couple more).

"I've never had a cannoli before," said the Furher. "And it was very good. I give a 9."

"I hate Italian food," Dante said. "Here's a 5."

"Nice. I give you two boys an 8 2/5," said Lust.

Envy rested chin on his hands. "Not bad at all…8."

"…more…10…" Gluttony said as he stared off into the distance.

"My dear Alphonse, you earn a 10," said Sloth.

"Aww…what the heck?" said Greed. "You get a 9."

"It's time to judge the winner!" Hughes said. He took a piece of paper from his pocket and read. "Drum roll, please. And the winner is…it doesn't say!" He flipped the card over in all kinds of directions to find a name.

"What do you mean?" asked the camera man.

Hughes sighed. "I guess that means that nobody wins this time. Well, no hard faces, right? To cheer the whole world up, who wants to see these lovely pictures? Aren't they sweet?" He flashed the entire deck to everyone on the set. At that moment, everyone ran like hell out of the studio.

* * *

A/N: Whew! It wasn't the easiest thing to write. Feel free to review.


	51. The Great Farting Father Cornello

A/N: Be prepared to laugh. I got this idea from ebaumsworld, except this one contains onomatopoeia, OOC, and weirdness. I mean no offense to any Liorians whatsoever.

Disclaimer: I don't own the farting preacher from ebaumsworld. So pretty please don't sue.

* * *

**Farting Cornello **

* * *

The face of Father Cornello stood on the big television screen, which overlooked the entire population of Lior. The people oohed and awed at such a s_trange _marvel. Once the speakers were adjusted, the father began to speak.

"Watch this, dear people of Lior, and take what I have to say to you into your hearts…" _BLAAART! _The father smiled as the people gasped with horror at the extremely loud and profuse noise, like a gigantic volcano erupting. A terrible stench floated among the crowd.

Father Cornello continued, "And you smell that right there? That's Leto's bakery cooking up something good for you, sister." One of the women passed out… "And did you know that Leto is everywhere to be found, and he's with you. Guess what else?..." Cornello paused, then whispered, "…Leto's in you." _PHLAAARRP! _Another hideous scent filled the air. Most people coughed, and about a third of them passed out.

"Yes, yes, it is Leto who causes such a great impact," said Cornello. He put his head to The Book of Leto as if he was listening for something. _BUPHFT! _Cornello asked, "Isn't that amazing?" A third, more-extreme-than-the-other-two, tumultuous zenith of smell swept across the entire city like a ruthless, clashing wave of a bomb at the top of its paranoid rage and blasphemous possessiveness!

…This time, the _entire _population was knocked out, for days…

As for Father Cornello, he sat up from his chair, turned the TV off, and said, "Well, I guess my job for today is finished." He rubbed his stomach. "It must be time to fill up again…"

* * *

A/N: holds nose That guy is full of it! passes out …Even though TV didn't exist at the time, I thought it would add to the mood. Feel free to review.


	52. A Diary Entry of the Furher King Bradley

A/N: If you've ever wondered what Furher King Bradley does all day, this will answer your lost thought.

* * *

**A Diary Entry of Furher King Bradley**

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_Guess what? I'm holding a Tupperware party in my house tonight. It was tough to decide what to wear, but my wife told me that my eye patch makes me look formal – and sexy. Yes. Very sexy indeed. I can't help being proud of myself in many ways. _

_I'm sitting in the office right now enjoying a nice hot cup of coffee. Yum. The elegant taste is delightfully refined. My secretary, Juliet Douglas, is working across from me. I can sit here all day and watch her work…hubba hubba. She's a beautiful lady and homunculus. Maybe we should go out sometime and snack on one of those fruit and walnut salads. My heart pounds like a drum when I think of it…oh wait. I don't have a heart, do I?_

_What would really feel great now is to torture Colonel Mustang with paperwork so that he'll get mad and tease Fullmetal. Ah, such wonderful entertainment for the military. General Hakuro came into my office early this morning. Don't tell anybody this, but…I think he's a poseur. The other day when we were in the lunch line, I ordered lemonade with the lemon hanging gracefully to the side, punctured by one of those mini umbrellas, and he ordered exactly what I got. So I thought to myself 'He's such a poseur.'_

_I let one rip, and it felt good. I don't know if Ms. Douglas heard it or not. She's looking at me right now. She's holding her nose. I let one rip again. Ms. Douglas is getting up. Now she's pulling out a glass bottle of perfume. She's spraying me. Oh darn it. She smelt me…Ow…I wish that she'd keep away from the eyes…ouch._

* * *

Maes Hughes had a rough time caging in his laughter while reading this. When he was through reading today's entry of the Furher's diary, he stuffed it back into the desk and left the room, careful not to be caught.

* * *

A/N: The Furher is getting old. Feel free to review.


	53. Love in the Lab

A/N: I have to warn you, this chapter contains yaoi.

* * *

**Love in the Lab**

* * *

Al and Fletcher were seated in the laboratory common room, merrily chatting over many different things while waiting on Ed and Russell to complete a new formula in a room located all the way across the building. It was for the crops at Belsio's property; at least, that's what they said.

After waiting about an hour, Al said, "Maybe I'd better check on Ed and see if I can help… Creating a new formula isn't as easy as it looks, and it takes a long time to process."

"I'm coming with you," Fletcher replied. They walked to the opposite side of the stone building, to the room where they were supposed to be. The only things in the room were a glass of mercury along with other vials of precious metals and papers with the mathematical proportions scribbled on them. The room was vacant; there was no sign of Ed or Russell.

"Strange," Al mumbled. "I don't think they'd leave the building without telling us."

"Hey Al," Fletcher called.

"What?" Al saw that Fletcher was quietly making his way to the closet. Fletcher put his finger to his mouth. Al heard it. He asked, "Does the closet always make noises like this? There aren't any water problems or anything like that?"

"Never as bad as that. Let's check it out. On the count of three, let's open it."

"Okay," Al agreed.

They both whispered at the same time, "One, two, three!" They carefully opened the door to see a very capricious sight – Ed and Russell were embraced in each other's arms, making out. Russell's shirt was unbuttoned down the chest, and Ed was in his tank. When they noticed Al and Fletcher standing before them with gaped mouths, both Ed and Russell looked horrified, quickly saying, "It's not what it looks like!"

* * *

A/N: I've always imagined them doing that… Feel free to review. It would be appreciated.


	54. Mabeline Commercial

A/N: Someone requested for Ed and Scar to be in a Mabeline commercial, and I'm thinking "WTF?" sigh But it is a request. Here it comes.

* * *

**Mabeline Commercial**

* * *

"No! No! You can't make me do this!" Scar tugged at the shackles braced around his feet and hands, which were held by State Alchemists. Worse, they stripped off his clothing, and now they were replacing it with a woman's figure body suit.

One of the men smiled and said, "It's not all that bad. We were asked by the Mabeline Company to do a commercial for them."

"Would you jump off a bridge if they asked you to?" Scar retorted.

Another man jerked a chain. "Shut up and do as you're told!" Two make-up artists started applying the cosmetics.

Meanwhile, in another room, Ed angrily crosses his arms after being forced to put on a miniskirt by the several men ogling at him, including Roy, Havoc, Falman, and Breda. "Come on, Al!" Ed yelled. "Will you help me out here?"

Al stood in the corner, giggling. "Sorry, brother. You look too cute."

The next thing Ed knew, he was forced on-screen with Scar to repeat the lines, "Baby it's Mabeline!"

…And he quickly snapped up out of bed, horrified and gasping for breath from the terrible nightmare. _Calm down, it's just a dream, _he told himself. Al heard him and asked, "Brother…are you okay?"

Ed brushed through his hair with his auto mail fingers. Then, he lied back on the sweat-covered sheets and said, "Yeah. It was just a bad dream."

* * *

A/N: Phew! -wipes sweat off forehead- Good thing it was a dream… I still read my reviews, so feel free to review. If not, okay. But if yes, wonderful!


	55. Pranksters

A/N: The Winsor and Newton art inks are awesome, and they come in the cutest little boxes with illustrations all over them. I can't stop raving about them. …So here's a funny little story.

* * *

**Pranksters**

* * *

Hughes, Roy, and Havoc snuck around the bushes wearing hard helmets and camouflage suits, carrying a large brown dung-filled paper bag in hand on that clear Wednesday night in the middle of May. They crept along down the row of houses until they came to the biggest one of all – the Furher's. Hughes asked, "Okay, which one of you are brave enough to put this at the door of the Furher?"

Roy and Havoc didn't say anything.

"Well, don't stare at me like that," Hughes said. "You know me. I'm just tagging along…heh…heh…"

"I know," said Roy. "We will all go at the same time. Ready?"

"Ready," Havoc and Hughes replied.

They stepped up to the Furher's, placed the brown sack on the doormat, lit it, knocked on the door, and then ran for cover. The trio ran back to the bushes, ducking down on all fours as they heard the door open. The Furher himself came outside wearing a white tank top, dark green boxer briefs, and a pair of bright pink knee-high stocking shoes. Upon his right shoulder sat a long military rifle. "Who goes here? Did I just smell another rat?" he announced.

The great Furher King Bradley paused, nostrils flaring. Then, he looked down and saw the burning brown paper bag; he madly and rashly stomped on the bag until the flames went out, upbringing the heavy scent of dung in the air. He howled with anger before going back into the house. While all of this happened, Hughes, Roy, and Havoc were uncontrollably giggling in the bushes.

Ah, those were the good times…

* * *

A/N: Feel free to review. 


	56. Ed's Strange Way of Getting Attention

A/N: I think I prefer the manga Ed…He's just so, uh, cute and thuggish. I dunno. He isn't as angst as the anime Ed. Oh well, I like them both. And I definitely prefer the anime Scar. This story seems more like the manga Ed, and it's a dream I had the other night.

* * *

**Ed's Strange Way of Getting Attention**

* * *

Several days after receiving the State Alchemist certification, Roy called Ed to come to his office for some extra paperwork that he had forgotten to take with him. After Ed and Al came clunking up to Roy's office with Hughes, the Colonel was standing beside his desk chatting with a few women.

When Ed grit his teeth, Al asked, "What's wrong?"

"He should really pay more attention to his work. Seriously, I'll show him," Ed replied.

"What are you going to do?" Hughes asked.

"You'll see." Ed leapt onto a chair sitting before the desk and took off his right shoe. From his pocket, he grabbed two bottles of nail polish – green and blue, and he rested his foot on the desk as he painted his toenails. He shouted with pure amusement, "Hey Colonel. Will you move over and give me some room before this stuff suffocates me?" He ecstatically continued to paint his toenails in a messy fashion.

Roy turned around and gasped. He pointed to Edward while looking at Al and Hughes with bewilderment, "I tell you, he's not normal! What's wrong with him? Don't tell me I hired a retard!" The women nervously giggled and left the room.

"It isn't like that, Colonel Mustang," Al said. "He does things like that for a reason…in this case, to get your attention…"

Roy sighed with relief. He collapsed in his chair and glared at Ed. "…You can stop now, Edward. You have my full attention. _Okay_?"

Ed chuckled, but he didn't stop. Hughes and Al were standing beside him watching. Then, Ed finally stopped, put his foot in the Colonel's face, and teased, "How do you like them, Colonel? Are they badass enough for you?"

Hughes and Al began laughing hysterically. Roy smiled and gently moved Ed's foot out of his face. "I'll have to agree with that," he admitted, "…too badass…"

* * *

A/N: …That was kinda weird…but I found it to be quite adorable. Feel free to review. 


	57. Ed x milk : Be Happy

A/N: Yay! I got a request! And a good one too.

* * *

**Ed x milk – Be Happy**

* * *

Out of boredom on his day off, Ed lazily swung the refrigerator door open to see what there was left for lunch. Normally, he would avoid any visual contact with the milk jars, but this – _this_ was different. He squinted his eyes to get a better view of the bright flashy label: "Happy Milk". _How the hell can milk be happy if it tastes so bad? _he asked himself. To get a better grip on the idea, Ed took the bottle out, shut the fridge, and sat it on the table, closely observing it like an inspector.

"That doesn't mean I'm going to drink you!" Ed suspiciously pointed to the milk with pure relentless disgust. Burdened with hesitation, he swiftly flung open the lid; music spewed out: "_There's a little song I wrote, might want to sing it note by note. Don't worry. Be happy. Don't worry-_"

Ed found himself to become absorbed into the song, but after awhile, reality hit him hard in the face. _When _did _milk jars start singing?…oh shit…this isn't good…_

* * *

A/N: lol. Feel free to review.


	58. Roy x himself : The Mirror of Narcissus

A/N: -scratches chin- Hmm…there's another interesting request.

* * *

**Roy x himself - The Mirror of Narcissus**

* * *

Colonel Roy Mustang had just come out of the shower when he abruptly paused at the tall, antique mirror his wealthy grandmother left behind for him long after her decease. The mirror was richly decorated with golden carvings of bizarre birds and angels on the elliptical rim, yet, it wasn't the mirror itself that fascinated him – it was _himself_.

He allowed the towel to slowly drop to his ankles as he observed every single inch of his wet, naked body. Then, the Colonel grinned and caressed the hard cold mirror where his face reflected. _Roy, you are a bad sexy boy._

* * *

A/N: That was kind of fun to write, even though it was a little perverted. Feel free to review.


	59. Envy x fly: You Gotta Pull Your Pants Up

A/N: Envy x a fly? WTF? …Okay. By the way, the title "You Gotta Pull Your Pants Up" is a parody to a hip-hop/rap song lyric "You Gotta Keep Your Head Up". I really don't know if that's the title to the song or what, but I like it. If you know and can tell me what the song is or who sings it, I'll give you an imaginary donut that doesn't affect your weight and is a popular 'How the hell do I invent this?' item.

* * *

**Envy x a fly - You Gotta Pull Your Pants Up**

* * *

Envy was seated on the commode of a pitifully shabby outhouse, reading the daily newspaper in order to find any useful information on whereabouts of Fullmetal or any other issue he and the homunculi should perceive. Disappointed, he shook his head and skipped through the boring news to an advertisement in the middle of the page, which caught his interest: **_BIG CLOTHES SALE ALL WEEK! Come in and check out our wonderful merchandise for a large discount all 50 off!_**

"Ooh, I guess that means I've got a good excuse not to watch Gluttony…Yay for me," he gladly mumbled under his breath.

As Envy continued to read, a large fly, which was buzzing around in circles, finally landed itself on the homunculi's nose. Envy grew annoyed and began to swat at it, but the fly simply avoided the blow and buzzed around some more. A few minutes passed until Envy was fed up with the fly's persistence and decided to kill it without hesitation (and without pulling up his skort). He rolled the newspaper into a tube, then, he angrily started chasing it, ruthlessly whacking at every spot it landed, but the little fly was too swift.

The chase went on for sometime. Before getting his chance of victory, Envy saw the little fly leisurely soar out the tiny crescent window. Envy's determination was too much. Forgetting to pull his skort up, he dropped the newspaper, busted the door down, and ran outside to pursue the assassination. Once his final assassination attempt succeeded, Envy raised the dead fly in the air like a trophy and announced, "Yes! I did it! I killed this fly!"

However, the passer-bys were overcome with shock. One lady tightly covered her child's eyes, screaming, "Think of the children and put on some pants!"

At that very moment, Envy realized this was the biggest mistake he has ever made.

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A/N: Feel free to review.


	60. Winry x her wrench : I Can't Help Myself

A/N: Thank goodness somebody has requested Winry x her wrench/wrenches! Yay! …And if you like Winry so much that you don't think you'll like it, DON'T READ. To let you know ahead of time, it's a little bit perverted too. We clear on that? Good. :D

* * *

**Winry x wrench – I Can't Help Myself**

* * *

Winry was in the storage room polishing and putting away all her tools until the next use. It was beginning to darken outside. She wiped the sweat from her brow and sat down to take a break. Satisfied with her work, she observed the only thing she had left to work on – the wrenches. Her face grew red as she thought about how wonderful it really is to save the best for last, how good she would feel to have the nice cool metal touching her skin; just thinking about it made her spine tingle.

When she stood up and picked up her favorite one, she squealed with happiness as she enveloped it in her arms. "I love you so much!" she said. "You're always there for me."

As she raised the wrench up to give it a nice long hard kiss, she was interrupted by Pinako, who was quietly standing in the doorway. "What did I tell you about staying up late with you tools, hm?" Pinako asked after she blew a whiff of smoke from her pipe. "You should be getting back to bed, missy."

Winry quickly dropped the wrench and said, "Sorry, Granny. I couldn't help myself. I'll go to bed right now!" She bowed and ran upstairs to her room.

Pinako walked over to the wrenches that were spread out on the tray; she picked one up, mumbling under her breath with surprise, "…So this is why Winry's been coming in here for hours on end. I had no idea."

* * *

A/N: I was laughing while I wrote this one. Feel free to review.


	61. Beach Bum

A/N: Not many people like to write about Mason, but I think he's a very interesting character… Maybe I'll clock him everywhere he goes! Just kidding! I'm not clocking anybody, okay? Good. n.n I got this idea when watching Larry the Cable Guy.

* * *

**Beach Bum**

* * *

It was a time when marine biology took a hold of Mason's interest for one month on his supposed-to-be a week vacation in June. He called Izumi to tell her of his new interest, and she would shake her head and say, "You've always been too curious, Mason", then she would hang up.

Mason didn't mind her comment since he was used to her saying such things, and he continued with his new hobby. Every day he would go for a ride down to the beach to observe the ocean with his binoculars. But by the end of the month, one thing changed everything – women.

Every time he looked through the binoculars, a girl always seemed to pass by; this distracted his attention. Mason grew from coming to see the whales and ocean everyday to coming just to see the women with his binoculars. And every passing day, the police were becoming suspicious. Some time during his second month, a couple of lazy donut-devouring policemen called on the State Alchemists at Eastern Headquarters, and poor Mason was soon taken away and dragged to an office for interrogation.

As Mason nervously sat in the chair while twiddling his thumbs, something clicked in his brain. _That's right…Ed must work here! He can get me out! _The idea brought his hopes up. A dark blonde-haired man came in with a cigarette dangling from the side of his mouth, and he proudly paced as if he had been a true big-shot. Before the man sat down, Mason blurted, "Please, before you begin, I know Edward Elric! Can you get him over here?"

The dark blonde-haired man raised his eyebrows in surprise, but his voice didn't give anything away. "Let me call the Colonel," he said. He left the room. Several minutes later, the man came back, this time with Ed. When Ed saw who was sitting in the room, he was taken back with pure surprise. "Mason? What are you doing here?"

Embarrassed, Mason lightly chuckled and told the story. Ed was laughing so hard that Havoc had to nudge him in the ribs. Trying not to laugh so hard, Ed said, "Let him go, Havoc, or I'll report to the Colonel what I saw you doing the other night."

"How did you know?" Havoc asked with bewilderment.

* * *

A/N: Whew! Being a fourteen year old is tough. -wipes sweat from forehead- Feel free to review.


	62. Barry x his butcher knives : Tea Party

A/N: Lol…This should be easy to pull off. Can somebody get Aaron Dismuke to read this chapter? Because I know he would really like seeing Barry in a dress.

* * *

**Barry x his butcher knives – Tea Party**

* * *

Barry the Chopper was sitting alone in a deep dark corner of lab five, running his armored fingers across the newly sharpened blade. While doing so, he giggled with pure felonious merriment as he continued to observe the other butcher knives, which were all lying on one small table. In the very center of the table sat a steaming tea pot. Encircling the tea pot were cracked, antique, and porcelain tea cups. Barry himself was dressed in a bright red frilly dress enhanced by big white polka dots and a long pearl necklace.

Every two minutes, he would mutter a witty question to one of his knives, such as, "More bloody tea, my sweeties?" "Would you like a lump of sugar with that?" "Oh my! Did I forget to make the cookies?"

Of course, to Barry's bad fortune, the knives didn't give a reply. They just sat there, wishing that he would hurry up with the daring humiliation of a three-hour tea party.

* * *

A/N: I'm starting to feel sorry for Barry's knives. Feel free to review.


	63. Armstrong x Pinako : Proposal

A/N: I think Armstrong and Pinako make a really great couple (even though one is very tall and the other is very short). lol. Imagine what their kids would look like – muscular midget giants that smoke pipes and have curly yellow hair in a bun. I bet Winry would really like that…heh, heh, heh… This one is a bit saccharine.

* * *

**Armstrong x Pinako – Proposal**

* * *

Pinako came outside to Armstrong's car wearing a nice little sparkly red dress and red sparkly heels – very romantic. Armstrong was in his best tuxedo, leaning against the car reading a newspaper. He slowly looked up from his newspaper when he heard Pinako say, "I'm ready, Alex Louis Armstrong."

Armstrong whistled playfully. "My dear Pinako! You look very lovely this evening!" He stood up to open the door for her.

"You are so kind," Pinako said as she was getting in.

"Ah, yes, kindness has run in the Armstrong line for generations!" Armstrong proudly announced before getting in on his own side.

Before they left, Pinako opened the window and yelled to Winry, who was standing on the porch frozen dumbstruck, "Now be good, and don't stay up too late, hear?" They drove off, chatting on their way to the restaurant.

When they arrived there, it was an extremely fancy restaurant. Well-dressed people were sitting at the decorated tables, the lavish carpet added to the romantic setting, candles lit the rooms, and the walls were absolutely gorgeous with strands of ivy drifting out of the cracks. Arm in arm, Pinako and Armstrong seated at one of the little tables. After they read the menu and had their orders taken, Armstrong said, "I am honored to take you out to supper on this marvelous night." He kissed her hand.

Pinako chuckled. "It's not everyday I am taken to a place such as this. I've never met a man as sweet as you."

Armstrong's eyes twinkled in the candlelight. "There, there's something I'm absolutely dying to tell you, but maybe it's too soon…"

"Nothing is too soon." Pinako batted her eyelashes. "You can tell me anything."

Armstrong knelt on one knee in front of Pinako, pulled a diamond ring from his vest pocket, and asked, "Pinako Rockbell, will you do me the honor of becoming part of the Armstrong family?"

Pinako gasped. After a minute, she looked Armstrong in the eyes. "Yes."

"I shall burst with happiness for the rest of my life!" Armstrong announced. Several people stared at them as they embraced like the characters in a romance novel.

When Pinako returned home and explained everything to Winry, Winry looked aghast and protested, "B-but Granny! This is only your first date with him!"

"Everything is fine," Pinako said. "True love is on our side."

* * *

A/N: Yeah, maybe that was too saccharine…


	64. Rose x Sephiroth : Hero

A/N: Eh, I've been getting some awfully strange pairing requests… -scratches neck- Um…Here's one with a guy from a video game, and I have no idea about the game or who the heck he is.

* * *

**Rose x Sephiroth – Hero**

* * *

Rose cringed, fighting back tears which were filling up in her girlish violet eyes as a group of men in the military advanced toward her, grinning maliciously. While running, she tripped against a rock in the middle of the dusty road, and it launched her backwards. As the leader of the group was growing closer to her, she saw him hesitate, then, he collapsed. Replacing the leader's position was a tall, light-haired man carrying an abnormally large weapon.

"W-who are you?" she stammered.

The man held his hand out welcomingly to help her up. "Call me Sephiroth."

* * *

A/N: -drools on laptop- Must…have…more…caffeine…


	65. Ed x a bean : Taste Testing

A/N: Here's a very interesting request…maybe not the most brilliant, but it's interesting…

* * *

**Ed x a bean – Taste Testing**

* * *

On isle five in the middle of a grocery store, Ed observed the long row of coffee beans, in a range from Hazelnut to Raspberry to French Vanilla. He turned his head from side to side, making sure that nobody was watching. Then, he stuck his hand in one of the cartons, took out a bean, and popped it in his mouth. Not bad.

_I wonder if I can try them all at the same time…_

So, he took a handful of various beans and crammed them into his mouth. As he did so, Al saw him – caught in the act. "Hey, Ed! What are you doing? …Brother! You know you're not supposed to do that! We're in a grocery store!"

Ed froze to Al's voice, turned his head, and then spat all the coffee beans out at the same time. Unfortunately, they ricocheted off of Al's armor, which sent Ed flying down the isle to avoid the backfire. While Ed ran, Al chased after him yelling, "Hey! Come back here!"

* * *

A/N: I think I did that once when I was little.


	66. Hughes x his pictures : Porn

A/N: Here come some more updates…

* * *

**Hughes x his pictures – Porn**

* * *

Ed and Roy were casually sitting in the office enjoying a cup of tea when Roy said, "Shh…Do you hear that noise?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Ed mumbled before putting the cup to his lips. Strange ecstatic moans were starting to sound from the room across the hall – Hughes's room…The noise was so startling, it caused to Ed burn his tongue on the tea and swear aloud, enough for the personnel in the hallway to hear.

For a few minutes, the moaning and groaning noises ceased. As soon as everything grew quiet again, the moans continued.

"…Hughes wouldn't cheat on his wife…would he?" Ed whispered to Roy.

Roy shook his head. "No. Wanna go check it out?"

"I'd rather not, but…okay. It's best to be sure, I guess."

They both stood up and silently crept across the hallway to Hughes's office door. Luckily, it was cracked, so Ed and Roy could see inside. Their eyes darted to the floor to the ceiling, finally, to the desk. There, piles of photographs piled over the entire desk and behind it, Hughes sat there groaning with pure pleasure. "Yes! Yes! Yes! Must have more photos! My photos! Sweet photos!"

Ed and Roy were so disturbed, they accidentally fell on the door, which swung wide open and exposed Hughes's attention. When they saw Hughes stare at them with a blank look on his face, both Ed and Roy ran out of the office shrieking like girls.

Hughes shrugged with confusion. "What's wrong with you guys?"

* * *

A/N: Lol…That was fun to write. Feel free to review.


	67. Kimbly x Scar's sunglasses : Psycho

A/N: Lol. I found this request to be quite amusing.

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**Kimbly x Scar's sunglasses – Psycho**

* * *

It was a dog day; children sat on apartment steps, letting the ice cream slowly drip a very sticky puddle in the street… Scar was lazily napping on a crate with his sunglasses on, adding more to the tan skin and platinum hair he had already acquired over the years in Ishbal. Passer-by women would giggle at the easygoing sight of this handsome masculine man, but, there was one big problem; Kimbly was jealous.

All day, Kimbly would pace around and ponder about how he can look even cooler than Scar (maybe pick up a few hot women also). In the climax of his thinking and plotting, a brilliant – oh so _brilliant _– idea came to him. _I'll steal his sunglasses! _he thought excitedly as he rubbed his hands together and laughed manically.

When Scar was in the middle of his dream, which was about being chased by State Alchemists as tuna fish heads, he felt something remove from his face. He slowly opened his eyes to a man running away with his sunglasses.

Scar suddenly stood up, shaking off his sleep and dodged after the running man yelling, "Come back here with my sunglasses!"

After chasing him for some time, Kimbly stopped and giggled.

"What the hell are you laughing at?" Scar raised an eyebrow. "Hey! I know you! You're that guy who-"

But he couldn't finish his sentence he noticed Kimbly was lasciviously licking the lens of his sunglasses. Scar clenched his fists and turned to leave. "Never mind," he said. "You're not that guy. You're just a damn psycho."

* * *

A/N: Haha. Feel free to review.


	68. Riza x Ed : A Secret Kiss

A/N: I've never done a Riza x Ed before, but I think it's a pretty cute pairing.

* * *

**Riza x Ed – A Secret Kiss**

* * *

Ed was bored out of his mind; in the past thirty minutes, he circled around the same place in the building at least ten times already. At last when he passed Riza Hawkeye, he gasped when he felt her arm clutch his. "Huh? Is something wrong, Lieutenant?"

Riza shook her head, but her hand remained on his arm. "Um, I think…the Colonel…he wanted to see you…Yes, Colonel Mustang wants to see you, sir!" She suddenly let go and nervously flushed.

"Okay." Ed blinked. He started to go to Roy's office, but then he paused in the middle of the hallway and slowly pivoted, facing Riza. "Wait a sec," he suspiciously mumbled. "The Colonel isn't here today. He's supposed to be in Central... I know you're pulling my leg!" He walked up to her closer and closer until their lips uncomfortably met.

When Ed was through kissing her, he sighed and said, "You know, I always wanted to do that when the Colonel wasn't around." As he left, he winked and gave her the phone-on-the-ear sign. "Call me."

_Oh no! _Riza thought as she watched Ed leave. _I can't believe I just stood there and let that midget kiss me! _She faltered in her thoughts. _Then again, he is so adorable…and is a good kisser._

* * *

A/N: If any of you guys want to kiss Riza, make sure the Colonel isn't there. ;) Feel free to review.


	69. Ed x Al's blood seal : Spring Cleaning

A/N: Here's another interesting request…Ed x Al's blood seal…here goes.

* * *

**Ed x Al's blood seal – Spring Cleaning**

* * *

The spring air was refreshing; the sun was shining, people were taking brief walks on work breaks, and everything seemed to be nice and clean – everything _except _Al. Al's armor was dusty, grimy, dirty, and unpolished, not to mention some of the rust building up in different areas.

Because of that, Ed was forced to stop everything else he was doing in order to keep Al in good and clean shape. Al was seated on the grass while the older brother stood up, scrubbing him all over with a rag and a bucket of cleansing wax.

Soon it was time to take off Al's helmet. Ed was careful to avoid touching the precious blood seal inside as usual. But this time, something made him feel different; the sight of it brought a wave that moved all through his body, leaving him with an aftertaste of lustful emotion.

Al was beginning to grow impatient and asked, "Why aren't you still cleaning, brother?"

Ed quickly snapped out of the trance. "Um…I just got a little distracted, sorry…" He dipped the rag in the wax and resumed his chore.

* * *

A/N: Yay! I finally got those Winsor and Newton art inks I've been wanting so bad! My grandfather thinks it's funny how far I'd go for that kind of stuff. Feel free to review.


	70. Al x Hayate : Start

A/N: I thank all my readers and reviewers. And most of all, I thank the family.

* * *

**Al x Hayate – Start**

* * *

"Hey Al, I'm going to the Colonel's office. Can you wait for me?" Ed quickly said, "I'm kind of in a hurry."

"Sure. How long will it take?" Al nervously asked.

Ed shrugged. "Not too long. Give me about thirty minutes…So, I'll find you when I'm done." He walked upstairs to the office.

As Al watched him depart, Hawkeye came by with Hayate, who was on the leash. "Hello, Alphonse. How are you?"

"I'm fine. What about you, Lieutenant Hawkeye?"

Riza sighed. "It's going pretty well on account of my busy schedule."

"Well…" Al paused. "I'm not doing anything. Maybe I can walk him for you," he said brightly.

"Really?" Hawkeye asked. Al nodded. "Alright. If you say so. He shouldn't be much trouble for you." She gave him the leash. "Thank you."

"No problem, Lieutenant." Al tugged on the leash as Hawkeye returned to her office. "Where do you want to start now, Hayate?"

Hayate yawned and scratched his ear. _You can start by making me some pancakes._

Al gasped. "Y-you…t-talk?"

* * *

A/N: The pancake idea came from this movie called "Road Trip". By the time I reached the last sentence, I asked myself, "_Why_ Ed go to Roy's office?" :) Anyway, feel free to review.


	71. Ed's Mental Diary:Whos pulling my braid?

A/N: To get in line with my stories on animespiral, I'll be updating some older stories I wrote a time ago onto here for you guys to read. I hope you like them.

* * *

There is something that I truly don't understand. Every time I walk in the hallway, somebody is always pulling on my braid. The hallway never seems to be crowded. Whoever has been pulling my braid has been constantly doing that for two weeks. You're probably thinking why the person isn't caught. There's only one problem - I don't know who it is. After it is pulled, I look around, but nobody is behind me.

I've made a list of any possible suspects, but I still can't figure this one out. I know that I'll find a way!

* * *

The Next Day…

I was walking down the hallway to get away from Gorilla Escort (Armstrong), then I felt it. My braid was being pulled. I took my automail hand and quickly grabbed the few fingers tugging on my hair. I turned my head and saw the hair-pulling culprit as no one other than - the colonel?

"Good day, Edward," Mustang said as if nothing happened.

I frowned, "What the hell were you doing! What is it with my hair that makes you want to touch it so much!"

"Relax, Fullmetal. Can't you get a joke?" said the colonel as he happily walked off and started whistling.

…That colonel…I just can't get a simple answer out of him!

* * *

A/N: Haha. Feel free to review.


	72. Scar's Musical:I Don't Want the World

A/N: This is a very sweet songfic or musical. Scar begins to think about and remember his older brother. Please enjoy. And it is another old one...All due disclaimers.

* * *

In the middle of the night in the season of late summer, Scar was standing in the street all by himself in the dark. Memories of Ishbal came back to him. _If only my brother was here. Ishbala, is there something else I could have done to save him._ He stood near a closed shop window and wiped the dust off to reveal his reflection. The scar was still there. These words repeated in his head over and over again. It was a song, though he couldn't recall where he has heard it. Out of nowhere, he clearly began to sing, in memory of his brother:

_"And I'd give up forever to touch you,_

_Cause I know that you feel me somehow._

_You're the closest to heaven than I'll ever be,_

_And I don't want to go home right now._

_And all I can taste is this moment,_

_And all I can breathe is your life._

_When sooner or later it's over, I just don't want to miss you tonight._

_And I don't want the world to see me,_

_Cause I don't think that they'd understand._

_When everything's meant to be broken,_

_I just want you to know who I am._

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,_

_Or the moments of truth in your lies._

_When everything feels like the movies,_

_Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive._

_And I don't want the world to see me,_

_Cause I don't think that they'd understand._

_When everything's made to be broken,_

_I just want you to know who I am._

_I just want you to know who I am."_

He was ready now; he is going to go visit what's left of Ishbal.

* * *

A/N: Looking back at it now, it sounds a little cheesy...


	73. Commercial Break

A/N: These are my non-script style commercial breaks the FMA characters are hosting. Most of these are based on real commercials, so please, don't sue.

* * *

**Twix**

Breda and Havoc are sharing an office. Breda turns around and shows Havoc a wad of notebook paper fashioned into a puppet that looks like Basque Grand. "Hey man, check this out." Havoc leans to see as Breda does his best to impersonate Grand's voice as he moves the puppet. "Hi. I'm Basque Grand, and I run this place with an iron fist, cheap suits, and really bad breath! I have the IQ of a fruit bat and anger issues!" He crumples the puppet.

Havoc started laughing. "Oh man, Grand is a complete-"

But he stops to see Grand standing in the doorway. "A complete what?"

NEED A MOMENT? CHEW IT OVER WITH TWIX.

Havoc crams a Twix bar into his mouth.

* * *

**Geico**

Ed is seated in Roy's office waiting for the important information he wanted to hear from the Colonel himself. When Roy came back, Ed asked, "So Colonel, what's the news?"

Roy's face shows no emotion whatsoever. "The bad news is that Hughes is dead…"

Ed begins crying.

"But I do have good news."

"What?"

"I'm getting a promotion, and I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico." Roy grins.

* * *

**Oscar Mayer**

Ed steps up on stage. "My bologna has a first name."

Al steps up on stage. "It's O-S-C-A-R."

Roy steps up on stage. "My bologna has a second name."

The Furher comes up from behind them. "It's M-A-Y-E-R."

Havoc steps up on stage wearing a dress. "I love to eat it everyday!"

Hughes slides across the stage. "And if you ask me while I saaaaaay…"

Breda skips in Dutch shoes. "Because Oscar Mayer has a way with-"

"B-O-L-O-G-N-A!"

* * *

**Charmin**

Hughes gets on the microphone and sings to Ed. "Hey little fella, gotta change your touch. What you thought was enough, might be too much. It's more cushiony than ever before. Charmin ultra, less is more."

"I don't use that much toilet paper!" Ed whines.

Hughes continues, this time, dancing with a sombrero on. "When I say less is more, less is more. It's more absorbent than the regular ripple brand for sure. What you used to love now you're gonna adore. Charmin ultra, less is more. Cha, cha, cha, Charmin!"

Everyone's eye twitches.

* * *

**Hostess**

Gluttony stares at Lust and sees her with two jelly doughnuts. "Mmm…tasty…" He reaches for Lust's breasts. Lust smacks him away. Gluttony stands back with shock. "Hey? Where's the cream filling?"

The desire for food knocks Gluttony unconscious. When he opens his eyes, he sees chocolate-covered jelly doughnuts swirling around his head. "Now that's the stuff…Hostess…"

* * *

A/N: Three more old ones to go until I'm caught up with my others. Feel free to review.


	74. Commercial Break 2

A/N: Here comes the other commercial break…Ooh. I love pop tarts.

* * *

**Pop Tart**

Al is standing at the top of the North Pole. A pop tart comes along. "Lick me!" Al says.

The pop tart licks Al's armor and gets stuck.

Ed walks in front of the screen and announces, "New strawberry milkshake pop tarts. Best eaten frozen." The screen censors Ed eating the pop tart, due to violence, in consideration of the little kids.

* * *

**My Little Pony**

It is Christmas at the State Headquarters. Armstrong is sitting under the Christmas tree along with other soldiers. It is his turn to open a gift. When he opened it, he gasped. It was a My Little Pony toy horse.

"What I've always wanted!" he bellows as he squeezes the toy tightly. Then, he begins to sing, "My Little Pony, my Little Pony…"

Everyone's eye twitches yet again.

* * *

**Oreo**

The Furher takes out a guitar and starts singing:

"_Oh, oh, oh, ice cold milk and an Oreo cookie, made forever go together as a classic combination. When a dark, delicious cookie meets an icy cold sensation like the one and only creamy, crunchy, chocolate O-R-E-O…Keeps your milk from getting lonely. Oh, oh, oh, the one and only…_"

He stops singing, drops the guitar, takes a bite of an Oreo, and sips some milk. Ed comes up to him and says, "Oreos may be good, but that doesn't mean they have to go with milk!"

* * *

**Pepto Bismal**

Roy keeps running to the bathroom all day. Hawkeye catches him in the hallway and says, "Sir, are you okay this time?"

"It won't stop!" he replies.

Hughes pops out of nowhere. "Bathroom trouble?"

"…"

"I can fix that!" Hughes says. He holds up a bottle of Pepto Bismal in one hand and sings, "It's for nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea!" He dances and sings it over again.

Roy grabs the bottle from Hughes and takes a drink. "Much better…" he sighs with relief.

"Um…sir?" Fuery calls from the other room. "You clogged the toilet."

* * *

A/N: How did you guys like my commercial breaks? Feel free to review.


	75. Hawkeye's Musical : Fools Fall in Love

A/N: All due disclaimers. This is based on the song from Smokey Joe's Café called "Fools Fall in Love".

* * *

Riza Hawkeye heard a knock on her door; she stood up to answer it. Standing in the doorway was Colonel Roy Mustang.

"Hello, Babe," he commented.

"What is it now?" she asked disapprovingly.

Roy pulled out a bouquet of roses, which were hiding behind his back. He sincerely said, "Would you like to go on a date with me?"

"I'd love to!" Hawkeye gasped as she took the roses.

"Good." Mustang smiled. "I'll meet you at Panera Bread around eight o'clock. Is that okay?"

"Sure."

Roy left. Hawkeye could feel her heart pounding. _This is wonderful! _Piano music started playing, and Riza begins to sing:

"_Fools fall in love in a hurry. Fools give their hearts much too soon. Just put in two bars of stardust. Just hang out one silly moon. Oh! They've got their love torches burning when they should be playing it cool. I used to laugh, but now I am the same. Take a look at a brand new fool!_

_Shake the hand of a brand new fool!_

_Fools fall in love just like schoolgirls, blinded by rose colored dreams. They build their castles on wishes with only rainbows for beams. Oh! They're making plans for the future when they should be right back in school. I used to laugh, but now I am the same. Take a look at a brand new fool! Alright!_

_They've got their love torches burning when they should be playing it cool. I used to laugh, but now I am the same. Take a look at a brand new fool. Take a look at a brand new fool!_"

* * *

A/N: I guess when you're in love, you begin so sing…it may not always apply…


	76. Ed x Catherine : Too Much Like Armstrong

A/N: One of the readers didn't like this one, but at least it isn't the pairing I absolutely detest. So I took it off before most of you guys got a chance to read. And I apologize for that.

* * *

**Ed x Catherine- Too Much Like Armstrong**

* * *

Ed, Al, Riza, Havoc, Roy, and Fuery were standing around in the lounge until Armstrong came in, boasting with unending joy. He was so happy, he literally knocked the door off its hinges. "Everybody! I have somebody to present you!" Armstrong scoots aside, revealing his younger sister, Catherine. "It was only yesterday when she asked me what the military is like. I answered her question by offering her to come here with me today."

Catherine shyly waved. Havoc squealed in surprise and hid behind Mustang. Ed and Al sat there in utter confusion. Armstrong stared at them for a split second, realizing they have never met his sister.

"Who is she?" Ed asked.

"She is my sister, Catherine."

"That is a pretty name," Al said.

"She sure doesn't look like you…" Ed commented.

"Brother! Don't say that!"

"I'm Ed."

"And I'm Alphonse."

"It is very nice to meet you both," said Catherine.

"You too," Ed's face turned bright red. "Well, I guess…me and Al…gotta go…" He grabbed Al and tried to pull him out of the room. When they were in the hall, Al asked, "Brother, why did you do that?"

"Can't you see?"

"See what?"

"She's hotter than Winry!"

If Al wasn't embodied in a suit of armor, you could have seen him smile. "Oh. That's why you're acting so weird. Why don't you talk to her?"

"How am I supposed to do that?"

"Here, I'll show you." Al stood behind the door and asked, "Catherine, is it okay if we talk for a minute? Maybe me and Ed could show you around."

"I'd love to," she replied.

"Yes," said Armstrong, "go with them and make friends."

When Catherine came outside, Ed told her, "So, what do you know about the military?"

"Not a lot. I do know about the State Alchemists, since my brother is one."

"I'm a State Alchemist."

"Really?" Catherine gave him a weird look. "Are you just playing with me?"

"No." Ed took out his pocket watch.

Catherine smiled. "You know, you're pretty short to be in the military. It was probably a mistake."

"I'M NOT SHORT! GO ASK THE COLONEL! I'M NOT THE TINY RUNT YOU CAN SQUISH UNDER THE RIDGE OF A SHOE!" Al had to grab onto Ed to get him to calm down.

"Sorry," Catherine said.

"It's okay," Al replied. "He doesn't like to be called short."

Catherine said, "How can I make it up to you, Edward?"

"I don't know how you can do that," Ed told her.

"I know!" she said. "Watch this. Alphonse, don't move. This is a wonderful gift passed down the Armstrong line." She stood behind Al and lifted him up above her waist with just both hands. Ed gasped in fear. After she sat Al down, Ed ran up to Al and whispered, "She's too much like Armstrong…but she's still hotter than Winry…"

Al nodded.

* * *

A/N: It was longer than planned…Feel free to review. 


	77. Spa Party

A/N: Wheee! Here's another old one I had to change from its original script form.

* * *

Maria Ross and Riza Hawkeye were in the filing room putting away more of Mustang's paperwork. Riza sighed. "I need a break."

"Tell me about it," agreed Ross.

"Hey, would you like to come over for facemasks later? It might put some relief on those tough work days."

"Sure. I'd love to."

It just so happened that Havoc was passing by the filing room. He stopped at the door when he heard Riza telling Maria, "My house is on 351 Central Road. It'll be fun." He heard Maria reply, "Thank you. I'll meet you there."

Havoc quickly ran away to find the guys. Hughes, Roy, and Breda were in the lounge chatting and drinking coffee until they heard Havoc come into the room. "Guys! I have news!"

"What is it this time?" Breda asked.

"I heard Hawkeye and Ross talking…"

Roy shook his head. "So what?"

"They're going to Riza's house for something…I think."

"Probably to talk about us." Roy laughed.

Breda added. "What if they're having some secret party or trying on miniskirts. Or they might be putting miniskirts on each other…"

All the men except Hughes flushed at the thought.

"I'm sorry," said Hughes, "but I'm married man. Later." He walked out of the lounge to stalk the next person who passes by to show photos to.

"So, Havoc, what did she say?" Roy asked.

"I didn't catch that. Just for Maria to be at Hawkeye's house. Here's the address." Havoc showed Roy and Breda his hand with the address scribbled on it.

* * *

**Later that night…**

Maria and Riza were in spa robes. Riza took a bowl of green mushy stuff out of the kitchen.

"If this is used on your face," said Riza, "it's supposed to unclog pores. Here." She gave the bowl to Ross.

"It's made with avocado, right?"

Hawkeye nodded. They spread it all over their faces.

"I guess we'll have to let it sit awhile," Ross said.

* * *

Havoc pointed to Hawkeye's house. "Over here!" Roy and Breda soon catch up with Havoc.

"This feels weird," Breda said as he tugged at the black clothing he was wearing. "I feel like a burglar or something…"

"Whaddya think they're doing?" Havoc asked.

Roy grinned. "I hope they're trying on miniskirts…"

They peered through the window and saw the two women talking and reading through magazines, only one problem – What the hell happened to their faces? Their faces were green and mushy! The three men quickly let go of the windowsill as soon as they saw the two women look up and start to run after them. The men were running away from the house.

"Ahhhh!" Havoc screamed. "THEY'RE MONSTERS!"

Breda followed him in the chorus of chaos. "Aaahhhhhhhhh! MONSTERS!"

"Ahh!" Mustang tripped on the ground, quickly trying his best to get back up.

Riza took out her gun. "You're not getting away this time! I hope you can run faster this way!" She started shooting at them.

BANG!

BANG!

BANG!

BANG!

Breda tottered around. "Holy shit! The monsters have guns!"

"Run for your lives!" They ran until they were unseen from the distance. Hawkeye twirled her gun around her finger.

She and Ross mumbled in unison, "Those idiots!"

* * *

A/N: It was originally script-written, so I had to find a way to change it to non-script. Wait. I already said that didn't I? Sorry. (RETARD MOMENT) Whew! Yay! I'm finally even with my other stories so that I can work on others! Whoohoo!


	78. Roy x a cop : Intoxicated

A/N: Roy x a cop is a brilliant request. I think I can pull it off.

* * *

**Roy x a cop – Intoxicated**

* * *

A beer bottle in his hand and another on the steering wheel, Roy Mustang was swerving down the city-lighted road in the wrong direction. The cops soon began to notice this imbroglio after receiving several complaints from victims who had dents on their cars. One of the cops had a notepad in hand and asked one of the victims if they could describe the person of the vehicle.

"He was a drunken black-haired guy. You can't miss him," one victim replied.

The cop wearily nodded and heaved a sigh. "…This is the eighth one we've had this week…I hope it's not one the same guy who we just released…" The cop swiftly got into his car, cranked the engine, and fled the scene.

As Roy continued to drive, he looked in the mirror and saw a flash of blue lights behind him – a police car. A few seconds later, Roy was pulled over. The cop walked to the car.

When he saw the Colonel's face, he clapped his hand over his eyes. "Oh no," he mumbled, "don't tell me it's _you_ again! …I'm sorry, sir, but I'll have to arrest you this time, Mustang."

"Shit," Roy said. He got out, then the cop led him to the police car, pressing him against the back door.

"You are arrested for driving while intoxicated. Put your hands behind your back and don't move." He searched Roy for drugs; when Roy started laughing, the cop asked what was so funny.

Roy answered, "That tickles."

* * *

A/N: Too bad Ed wasn't there to rescue him… Feel free to review.


	79. Al x Psiren : Lap Dance

A/N: Okay guys, your requests are accepted, but please slow down. I have some story ideas too, and I'm trying not to get to 100 that soon. :) Anyway, accetto la vostra richiesta.

* * *

**Al x Psiren – Lap Dance**

* * *

In the city of Aquroya late at night, Al was waiting in the street expectantly, worried that Ed might figure out what he was up to. Luckily, Ed was held back to help the detectives, so Al hoped he had time.

After waiting for several more minutes, Psiren came around the corner in her average sexy black cat suit, flashing Al a pearly-white smile.

"Hello, Psiren," Al said. "What are we going to do tonight?"

She walked up to Al and flung her arms around his armor shoulders. "I don't know, Big Boy. Wanna have some fun?"

"Fun? What kind of fun?" Al paused. "You mean, you want to-"

"No. Not that." A small chuckle escaped Psiren's lips. "I wanted to show you a lap dance."

"L-lap dance?" Al stammered. "I don't know what a lap dance is…"

Psiren took him by the hand and walked him down the street. "I'll show you."

You could have sworn Al was blushing…

* * *

A/N: I hope that wasn't too kinky, but at least it was easy to pull off. Feel free to review.


	80. Winry x a screw : Where Art Thou?

A/N: If you've ever seen the movie called "O Brother Where Art Thou", one of the songs will be in this chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not own "A Man of Constant Sorrow", got it? Good. Get it, got it, doubt it. ;)

* * *

**Winry x a screw – Where Art Thou?**

* * *

Winry ran around the house screaming, "Oh no! I'm missing a screw! Oh screw, where art thou?"

Ed was grumpily seated beside Al, impatiently waiting for his auto-mail to get fixed. "When the hell are you going to get back in this room and fix my auto-mail? I've gotta get back to Central, ya know!"

The young mechanic sighed. She said, "You're right. I think I know another way to get that screw back." Winry pulled out an acoustic guitar.

"You're singing? That won't get anything, Winry," Al said.

Winry smiled. "Don't worry. This song will get it back." She starts strumming on the guitar. Ed and Al start to sing:

_In constant sorrow, all through her days._

Winry sings:

_I am a girl of constant sorrow; I've seen trouble all my day. I bid farewell to old Kentucky, the place where I was born and raised. _

_For six long years I've been in trouble. No pleasures here on earth I found. For in this world I'm bound to ramble. I have no friends to help me now. _

_It's fare thee well my old screwdriver. I've never expect to see you again. For I'm bound to ride that northern railroad. Perhaps I'll die upon that train. _

_You can bury me in some deep valley, for many years where I may lay. Then you may learn to love another while I am sleeping in my grave._

_Maybe your friends think I'm just a stranger, my face you'll never see no more. But there is one promise that is given; I'll meet you on a golden shore._

…A minute later, Ed's screw bounced into the room like a marionette on strings. Both Ed and Al screamed like girls, leaving behind Winry and the screw.

Winry lustfully eyed the screw. She said to it, "Let's go have some fun."

* * *

A/N: Feel free to review.


	81. Armstrong x Scar : Stop Eating!

A/N: Okay, guys. Halt the requests for awhile, please. :) Thank you. By the way, I finally found the name of that rap/R & B song I was looking for! Yay! It is called "Keep Ya Head Up" by Tupac. The link is on my bio if you want to see what I'm talking about...

* * *

**Armstrong x Scar – Stop Eating!**

* * *

Scar was dressed in his finest tuxedo, waiting for his compare to get out of the bathroom. While waiting, he spent two minutes gently tapping his silverware on the velvet-lace table skirt with his head in the other hand.

But what really caught his attention was the 'clinking' and 'clanking' noises in front of him. Without looking up, Scar asked, "You're back already."

There was no answer…

This forced Scar to look up; the person in front of him wasn't the friend he was expecting, but it was a tall muscular man with blue eyes and a single curl which fell to the top of his forehead. And worse, this man was eating Scar's friend's steak.

Scar growled, "Who the hell are you?"

The man continued to eat…

"Answer me! Stop eating!"

The man still didn't cease…

Scar grew fed up and threw his glowing arm out. "I give you two seconds to pray!" The man finally looked up and squealed, knocking over the entire table, and he ran out of the restaurant with Scar tagging behind.

Waiters, waitresses, and cooks looked around to see what the commotion was about, but the only evidence was an overturned table with broken plates and glasses and a steak bone. Scar's friend saw this when he came out of the bathroom.

"Damn," he muttered as he shook his head. "My steak is gone!"

* * *

A/N: I got that idea from the steak sauce commercial. Feel free to review.

Note: Compare is mafia slang that means "a friend".


	82. My Preciousss

A/N: I went swimming at my grandfather's in-ground pool…and it felt sooo good. While taking a good swim, this story structure came to my head. Though I have to give one of the readers credit for requesting a part – where Havoc says, "My preeeciousss…" and the dude who wrote The Hobbit. lol.

* * *

**My Preciousss…**

* * *

Havoc was sitting in his dark office, whole-heartedly stroking a pack of cigarettes placed on the very center of his desktop, muttering a raspy, "My preeecious…" about every ten seconds. The military personnel on his side of the building were creeped out by his change of attitude, and sought Colonel Roy Mustang for help.

While Roy was seated at his desk reading "The Central Times", several men burst into his office and saluted. "Sir! We have a problem!"

"Uh, what problem?" Roy said dully as he peered from behind the thin, gray wrinkly paper.

"It's Jean Havoc, sir."

"Bring him in."

Several minutes later, the men came back, this time with the Lieutenant, who was hunched over a carton of cigarettes, possessively hissing, "My preeeciousss…"

"Second Lieutenant Havoc!" Roy barked. "What's the meaning of this?"

Havoc looked up at him balefully, his hands tightly wrapped around the carton. "My precioussss…" he hissed again.

Roy frowned at him for a second. Then, he grabbed a book, circled around his desk, and slammed Havoc in the head with it. Havoc instantly fell to the ground. The personnel watched with shock; one of them nervously pointed to him and asked, "Is he…dead?"

"Hell no," Roy replied. "He'll be fine. He's just gone mad. Take him to the doctor and let them deal with it."

"Yes, sir." They dragged Havoc out of the office.

The Colonel rolled his neck when he was ready to get back to work. Before taking another sip of coffee, he mumbled under his breath, "…I'm surrounded by retards…"

* * *

A/N: In real life, I've heard that retards and butterflies are really angels in disguise, but in this story, Havoc's just a plain old dumbass… Feel free to review.


	83. Pinako x Armstrong: Get Out of my House!

A/N: Here's another interesting request. I made it even funnier and cruder than you probably had in mind.

* * *

**Pinako x Armstrong – Get Out of My House!**

* * *

Armstrong was hanging out at the Rockbells' house for quite some time. And when I mean quite for some time, I mean two days, and here's why:

It all started when Pinako and Armstrong found they liked each other, and Armstrong was invited to the residence for a week…

When Armstrong arrived, Pinako did everything a good host would do. Armstrong treated her with more respect as expected a guest to do as well. But after the first day, something was wrong – terribly wrong.

Every time during those two days when either Winry or Pinako would open the toilet lid, there were massive dinosaur turds! And the bad thing was, it wouldn't flush… Both the Rockbells knew exactly who it was. It was Major Armstrong.

Armstrong didn't seem bothered by the reason why Pinako was so quiet for the rest of the day. He just sat at the table, drinking coffee and reading the newspaper. After an hour of impatient silence, Pinako asked suspiciously, "Did you use the bathroom earlier today and yesterday night?"

"Um…" Armstrong looked at her from behind the newspaper. "I did. Why do you ask?"

"I want to know if you did number one or number two."

He raised his eyebrows. "There must be something wrong. Oh heavens, dear woman, I did number two!"

"How come they are still in there?" Pinako asked, this time through gritted teeth.

"I…I…" Armstrong suddenly looked up at the ceiling, trying to find the best answer he could. Sadly, he didn't give a good answer, and bad answers do not run in the Armstrong line. So he messed up. "…I…wanted to leave…you a present. Yes! A present! I wanted to leave you a present!"

Pinako pointed to the door. "Get out of my house!"

* * *

A/N: Aahhh! Dinosaur turds! Run for your life! And feel free to review.


	84. Ed's First Words

A/N: I used to have this pet iguana, and I would chase it around its cage with a remote-control racecar toy. And while holding it one day, my little brother stuck his finger at it and said, "Bite me, stupid." Surely enough, it bit him and I was laughing my ass off… Enough of that. Now for an interesting story request "Ed's First Words".

* * *

**Ed's First Words**

* * *

It was a bright sunny day. Trisha was humming a bouncy tune while hanging the wet laundry on the line, Hohenheim was sitting outside watching little Edward, who was crawling around in the grass. As Hohenheim studied the sky, he felt a little hand tug at his vest. He looked down and there was Edward with a huge dimpled grin on his little face.

"Edward, can you say 'daddy'?" Hohenheim playfully asked.

The little voice happily replied, "Daddy!"

Hohenheim stood up, waving his arms. "Hey honey?" he called to Trisha. "He said his first word!"

"Oh did he?" Trisha smiled.

"That's our boy." But soon, Hohenheim had to go inside the house to get a glass of water, and little Ed, who was outside, strained to complete the rest his first words: "Assss hooole."

* * *

A/N: That idea came from "Meet the Fockers". Haha. I had to borrow it for a second. Feel free to review.


	85. Pranksters Part II : Super Glue

A/N: This is based on a true story.

* * *

**Pranksters Part II - Superglue**

* * *

Furher King Bradley crouched behind the fort crafted out of empty beer bottle cans, holding a loaded rifle in his callused hands. An old military helmet was fastened upon his head, and he wore pick stocking shoes, a smelly off-white tank top, and his usual dark green boxer-briefs. His nostrils flared. "If you rats move, I'll shoot you!"

As the Furher carried on his daily games against imaginary rivals, the ruckus he made caused neighbors to complain. This was a time when the Furher was paranoid; his house was boarded up as if ready for an attack. In his spare time, he would drink and eat pie, but the rest of the time, he was on guard.

It seemed so sudden when he had to use the bathroom; Bradley dropped his gun, ran, pulled down his pants, and flopped over onto the commode. After a minute of relief, there was a big problem – he couldn't get up.

Every time he jerked up just to get off the toilet, he would feel a rip of sharp pain on his arse. And it came to him – the toilet was super-glued!

He roared and hollered until some of the neighbors started to think something was happening, so they called the authorities. When several cars flashing with blue lights and sirens arrived at the house, they were stunned to find the Furher stuck to the commode seat in his own home. Ambulances soon came and cut the seat off. And in the hospital before they removed the seat, there was Furher King Bradley, waddling down the hall in a gown with a toilet seat centered on his butt.

Meanwhile, Hughes, Roy, and Havoc were arrested that night…

* * *

A/N: Like I said in the first note, this is based on a true story. The original one happed in a Wal-Mart bathroom. Some guy flopped down on the toilet seat and was stuck because some pranksters had put superglue on it. The authorities had to cut the seat from the rest of the commode, so the guy was like walking around with a toilet seat on until they removed it… Feel free to review.


	86. Hohenheim x book : Why is That There?

A/N: Update time.

* * *

**Hohenheim x Alchemy book – Why is that there?**

* * *

The father, husband, and alchemist who called himself Hohenheim flopped the alchemy book to a close after reading a quarter of the night. He stretched and stood up to straighten his aging (not to mention his rotting) back; he turned off the oil lamps with determination to make it to the bedroom before he dropped asleep. Edward and Alphonse were sound asleep themselves, which added to the suspense of the quiet night.

In the dead of the moment, Hohenheim felt a strange chill run down his spine…

He turned around only to find the same alchemy book he was reading earlier at his feet. "I thought you were on the desk…" he nervously excused, "…Maybe I had you in my hands this entire time…" Hohenheim gently picked up the book as if it would bite him and quickly set it on the desk.

He sighed with relief and continued to find his way out of the basement, but a strange feeling of haunt made his legs numb. The alchemy book was resting on the foot of the stairs.

"Dear heavens!" he screamed. "I have gone mad!" Hohenheim looked around anxiously to make sure nobody was looking, and he darted outside manically, and in the process, succeeded to break the basement window to pieces. No one has ever seen him since.

* * *

A/N: lol. That's probably another reason why he left everybody… Feel free to review.


	87. Al x his armor : Treasure Box

A/N: Ooh! A treasure box! Where?

* * *

**Al x his armor – Treasure Box**

* * *

Al was gone to get groceries for Ed, basically to help him recover from a pulled hamstring. And the young blonde State Alchemist took advantage of the time while his brother was gone – to read his diary.

Ed rubbed his hands with excitement before taking a hold on the neat little diary. Alphonse always seemed to keep things to himself, and now was a perfect opportunity to find out what those things are. Ed flipped through the fancy little pages until one of them caught his eye. It appeared to be a poem:

_Treasure Box_

_My armor is a treasure box._

_It's where my seal is hidden._

_For all the days I've traveled,_

_I feel like I've been ridden._

_I love my big old armor_

_Because it makes me taller than my brother._

_I love my big old armor._

_It is like no other._

_Second thoughts are hounding me._

_What if I don't need my body back?_

_Because I love my armor,_

_And it doesn't need to be hung on a rack._

_My armor is a treasure box._

_Though most people won't agree._

_But my armor is my love, _

_My everything to me…_

Ed angrily closed the diary before lying back down on the bed. He cursed under his breath. "Dammit, Al, after all we've been through! You should've told me!"

* * *

A/N: lol. Feel free to review.


	88. Peeping

A/N: Warning- Contains a little bit of yaoi. And some stalker-ness. _Sex-eh_ stalker-ness.

* * *

**Peeping**

* * *

In the late evening hour of the warm summer night, Colonel Roy Mustang, all dressed in black, crept around the bushes, holding a pair of binoculars. He halted as soon as he arrived at his final nightly destination – the dorms. Particularly Edward's dorm.

He stood outside to look for Ed's dorm, which was higher from the ground than he thought would be. But with the binoculars, Roy was sure he'd get a perfect view of the room's window from the outside ground. Luckily, the light shone through the open glass, which meant that Edward was awake.

After patiently waiting for several long minutes, Roy was glad to see a thin outline of what appeared to be the Fullmetal Alchemist. He zoomed in to stare at the figure some more… Something definitely didn't seem right…

_Wait a second! _he thought suspiciously. _Since when did Edward have boobs? And I know he's not that tall either! _

It hit him. The person standing in the room wasn't Edward. It was Riza Hawkeye.

Realizing his mistake, Roy ran to the other side of the building where Ed's _real _dorm was supposed to be; the light was off. Roy cussed under his breath. "I'm too late!"

Just as he was backing out of the bushes to start back home, he felt himself trip over someone with a smaller body frame than his. A familiar voice yelled, "Hey, Pal! If you're here to peep at girls, you better be able to run damn fast for that!"

Roy blinked. "Edward?"

Ed twisted around to reveal the shock on his face. He, too, was wearing black and had a pair of binoculars in his hands. "Colonel?" He quickly stood up. Roy did the same. "So…" Ed asked quietly, trying his best not to give anything away, "which dorm is yours?" He nervously laughed.

"I don't have a dorm. I have my own house. By the way, Fullmetal, what the hell are you doing out here?"

"I'm the one who should be asking you the same!" Ed slightly retorted.

Roy smirked. He handed Ed a card. "This is where I live." Before Roy turned to leave, he added, "Oh Fullmetal?"

"Yes?"

"Go back to bed!" he barked.

* * *

A/N: I had fun writing that. Feel free to review.


	89. A Gamble with Love

A/N: This takes place after Catherine ditches Havoc.

* * *

**A Gamble with Love**

* * *

Havoc slowly made his way down the hallway, his shoulders slouched and a cigarette dangling from his lips. He just arrived back at headquarters after one week of wallowing in his tears and ice cream for the hundredth time in his life. As he was taking his time to reach the Colonel's office, he bumped into someone smaller than him.

Before Havoc could do anything, books and papers flew everywhere, and he heard the mousy voice of Scieska say, "Oh my goodness! Are you okay? I'm so sorry! Really!"

When the Lieutenant realized who she was, a small smile spread upon his lips; he helped Scieska pick up the rest of the books and held them in his own hands. "It's fine. No problem. Here, why don't I carry these for you?"

"Um…I don't know…You're not busy?"

"Of course not. Where you headed?" Havoc started walking in a forward direction.

Scieska followed him. "Go down this hall, then to the right. It's the second door on the left."

They arrived in an empty office. Havoc neatly sat down the books on a table and said, "There we go. You have to be more careful, okay?"

"I've been told that…" Scieska quickly glomped Havoc. "I have to apologize for this, Lieutenant, but I must thank you for carrying those for me!"

Havoc grinned and wrapped an arm around her. "It's nothing. Hey, you wanna go out sometime? On a date?"

Scieska's eyes sparkled. "Oh, I-I'd love to!"

"Good." As Havoc was about to give a small kiss, he heard several familiar voices giggling. Fuery, Breda, and Falman had their faces eagerly pressed against the window with money in their hands. Before the Lieutenant could get his good-bye kiss, he quickly let go of Scieska and darted out the room as he called back to her, "I'll pick you up tonight, sweetie!"

* * *

A/N: Haha. Looks like several of them lost the bet. Feel free to review.


	90. Another Reason Why Ed Hates Milk

A/N: Sorry for the wait, guys. I've been a little busy with company – and swimming and painting.

* * *

**Another Reason Why Ed Hates Milk**

* * *

It was probably Ed's second time in Roy's office since he completed the overall exams in order to get into the military, but the Colonel said he wanted to perform one last exam, which is the reason why Ed was in his superior's office in the first place.

Ed grumpily waited until Roy emerged in the room with a grin spread on his face. "Oh, hello, Edward. Are you ready for your final test?"

"Duh!" Ed replied. "Hurry up and get it over with."

"Fine, fine… Don't get too stingy on me," Roy casually said as he reached behind his desk for something.

"What is that in your hands?"

Roy came back and seated himself across from Ed. Ed noticed he held a glass in his hands, which held the white sloshy liquid he kept a strong antipathy toward for most of his life. Roy sat the glass on the table as Ed stared at him with bewilderment.

"…You know I don't drink milk, right Colonel?" the blonde suspiciously asked.

"This is your final exam." A nice long smirk spread across the superior's lips.

Ed frowned.

Seconds crept past them, now frozen with an eerie silence. This silence was sharply interrupted when Ed quickly leaned up and angrily flung the glass at Roy; the glass barely missed Roy's head and crashed against the office wall, followed by a splatter of the vile liquid, which landed on the Colonel's crown. Milk slowly drizzled down Roy's shocked face as Ed buried his face in his hands and left the office in tears.

Roy quickly stood up and called after the boy with utter confusion, "What? What did I do!"

* * *

A/N: If you noticed, I made Ed a little more girly. Haha. Feel free to review.


	91. Havoc x Riza : Rock Paper Scissors

A/N: Whatever you do, try to avoid making bets with Rock, Paper, Scissors – I lost a lot of pocket change that way…

* * *

**Havoc x Riza – Rock, Paper, Scissors**

* * *

Roy Mustang was very busy that Tuesday evening, so he called out to both his Lieutenants, "I need one of you to pick up my next load of paperwork, pronto!"

Havoc and Riza stared at each other for a moment. Havoc said as he scratched his neck, "Um…why don't you go this time?"

"No way," Riza replied.

"How about Rock, Paper, Scissors?"

"All right."

Both Lieutenants held their hands out in and in unison, chanted, "Rock, Paper, Scissors!"

Havoc blinked when he surveyed the outcome; his eager grin turned upside down. "Fine!" he groaned as he started to descend out of the office. "…That's the third time this week!"

* * *

A/N: Feel free to review.


	92. Commercial Break 3

A/N: I deleted the script commercial break 3 from animespiral a while ago, so now I've redone it into non-script so that I am able to post it on fanfiction. 

* * *

**Red Bull**

Colonel Mustang was seated in his office when he spotted Ed in the hallway. "Hey, Fullmetal! Come here for a second."

"Huh? What?" Ed asked as he ran inside.

Roy grinned evilly. "I have something you don't have."

"What now?" He watched as his superior took out a can labeled _Red Bull_. "Gimme that." Ed quickly reached up and snatched the can away from Roy. He opened the can and quaffed it down; Roy started laughing. "What's so funny?" Ed asked.

In a British accent, Roy pointed his finger in the air and said, "Red Bull gives you wings!"

Ed nervously looked behind him and saw an unmistakably disturbing truth – wings. He was ready to go mad. "Wh-what's happening to me?"

"Yet again, Roy evilly grinned. Ed flew out of the office cursing Roy and shaking his fist.

* * *

**Pop Tart**

Ed gets ticked off one day and transmutes the Amestrian people in the FMA world all into pop tarts, then, he goes missing. But there are problems in store for the Amestrians, and two pop tarts seek escape…

A huge rocket ship lands on the moon. The two pop tarts came out. They were Roy Mustang and Jean Havoc.

Havoc excitedly waves his arms and shrieks in a heavy Southern accent, "We're light-years away from civilization! We're free to dance and sing! We're free to make those funny sounds with our armpits, right Mustang?" He looks around. "Mustang?"

Somewhere else in outer space, Ed is licking his fingers and patting his stomach. "Me like Mustang."

* * *

**Verizon Wireless**

Roy's office phone starts ringing He answers, "Hello?"

He hears a voice on the other end of the receiver shout, "Whaaat's Uuuup?"

Roy impatiently taps his fingers on the desk. "Hughes, do you have anything important to say? Or are you calling to talk? Because if you are, you're using up my minutes!"

"Naw. Don't worry. I got the new Verizon Wireless plan," Hughes replies.

"…"

"Well," Hughes checked his watch, "I'd better call my wife and tell her. Toodles!"

* * *

**Meow Mix**

Ed and Al are walking to the store. Al's armor starts making echoing 'mews' and scratching noises.

The older brother grumpily concludes, "_Another_ cat?"

"Umm…well…it's hungry and…"

"What do you plan on feeding it?"

The abdomen of Al's armor falls out. A little orange kitten pokes its head out and sings: _Meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, mix!_

Ed and Al both freak out and run away screaming, "Aahhh! A talking cat!"

* * *

**Emerald Nuts**

In the middle of the night, Basque Grand, Kimbly, Shaou Tucker, Envy, and all the bad guys are sitting in a circle, legs crossed, wearing targeted underwear on, laughing manically.

Ed walks up to the TV screen and turns it off. He announces, "Evil Numballs love Emerald Nuts."

* * *

A/N: If you notice in the last one, I got that idea from the show called "Jackass". Feel free to review. 


	93. Furher Cleveland

A/N: Okay. I got this idea from Family Guy and youtube. Nobody has written it in a story yet, so I'll be the first. :) Contains yaoi. And it's the scene where Ed, Al, Sloth, and the Furher meet on the island.

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA or Family Guy or the video I saw on youtube. Leave me out of it, dude.

* * *

**Furher Cleveland**

* * *

Ed, along with Al, is looking around the island for Roy Mustang. On his search, he happens to stumble across the Furher, and his secretary, Sloth. Ed asked them, "What're you doing here?"

Furher King Bradley replied, "Sloth's mom wanted a snack, so we had to pick her up some Kibbles 'n' Bits."

"Bradley!" Sloth snapped.

"…I mean Cheezits."

Ed asked again, "Did Roy give you a clue for me?"

"Roy?" Sloth said, "He's down at the bar with Hughes and Havoc."

Ed's eyebrows knitted together. "He's drinking? On our anniversary?" His fists tightened and he started leaving.

"Oh boy!" the Furher commented, "You just put Roy in the doghouse. Which is where your mother-"

"Don't say it!" Sloth snapped again.

"…Your mother smells."

* * *

A/N: Lol! That was fun to write. Feel free to review. 


	94. Radio Flyer Race

A/N: This may sound extremely amusing, but for the past several days, I've been obsessing over Radio Flyers. (Though you'd know if you've seen my bio.) Anyway, I was thinking about the time me and my younger brother, along with a few pals would have Radio Flyer races, so it gave me this story idea.

* * *

**Radio Flyer Race**

* * *

Ed barged into Roy's office, reddened with anger. Roy was surprised to hear the door nearly break off its hinges followed by the young blonde boy, whose finger was pointing straight at Roy and whose teeth were bitterly clenched together. "Hey Colonel! I'm willing to make a bet with you!"

Roy's face turned from a look of surprise, to a twisted smirk. "Yes, Fullmetal?"

"I challenge you to…a Radio Flyer race! Tonight!" Ed noticed how disappointed the Colonel seemed to be at how childish the challenge was, but he was sure Roy wouldn't back down that easily. Ed added, "If I win, you owe me a month's worth of hot suppers!"

"And if you lose?" Roy raised his eyebrows.

"If I lose? I'll…I'll…"

"If you lose, you have to do _everything _I tell you to. Deal?" Roy held out his gloved hand with an even more twisted smirk on his face.

"Deal." Renewed with determination, Ed held out his hand and roughly shook on it with Roy.

Late at night, where the military stadium was vacant, both Ed and Roy were lined up behind the starting point, each in a separate Radio Flyer. (Roy had flames painted on his.) At the ready, they mounted, then, sped downhill.

At first, they flew down at the perfect angle, but somehow, they began whizzing in circles when the race was halfway over. In the end, both State Alchemist toppled over, all covered in cuts and bruises. Ed cursed as he watched his Radio Flyer skid down the road, causing sparks in its path. Roy sighed and helped Ed up.

"I guess there is no winner," Roy concluded.

Ed laughed, dusted himself off, and walked back to the dorms.

* * *

A/N: lol. That was kinda cute. Feel free to review.


	95. Gay Test

A/N: I've had a couple of rocks in my shoes (not literally!) all week, so I wasn't able to update. However, after renting the movie "Oliver Twist" at the movie store, I've become obsessed with it. And now I _have_ to read the book or else I'll go nuts! I even plan on writing a fan fiction about it when I complete the book. …Anyway, here's another drabble…

By the way, ignore the crudeness of the title. It's based on a prank game me and a friend played on my little brother Al. I'll explain what happened in the author's note at the bottom.

* * *

**Gay Test**

* * *

In Eastern Headquarters, located in the very center of the building, was the mess hall, where the military personnel would take their time daily to set aside work time to eat a satisfying lunch. This was also where Colonel Mustang's subordinates would take plenty of time to goof off and gossip. Not everyone was very happy about their "laziness", but they somehow appeared to slip away with it.

One day, Havoc, Breda, Falman, and Hughes were sitting at the same table they always sat at, merrily playing a game of chess. Of course, the conversation started when Hughes sat at the table.

He started, "Hey! How is everyone?"

"Good as ever," Havoc replied.

Hughes made himself comfortable on the spot and slowly leaned to where all three of his fellow men could hear. "You will never believe what I found out!" he said in his usual excited voice. The men carefully listened, knowing that Hughes always had something interesting to say. "…The Colonel could be gay!" he whispered loudly.

"You're kidding me!" Breda faltered backward in his seat. The rest of the men gasped with surprise.

The gossip shook his head. "Nope. And I can verbally prove it."

"How the hell could the Colonel be gay? This is absurd," Havoc mumbled while opening a second pack of cigarettes.

Hughes grinned, ignoring Havoc's comment. "Well, have you noticed how he takes everything out on Fullmetal? I mean…like sadism or something!"

"You really think so?" Breda said. He put his hand to his chin. "Actually, I do remember several times when he put the short jokes out on the little guy…and he appeared to enjoy it…"

"I dunno," Havoc mumbled again, "is it just me, or am I the straightest one here?"

Hughes chuckled. "Everyone is gay – just at different levels."

"I'm not gay!" Havoc retorted. His ears were turning red as if smoke would blow out of them at any moment.

"Okay…I'll give you a test…" Hughes quickly pointed to the side where all the guys backs were turned and gasped, "Look! Fuery's wearing a miniskirt!"

At the same time, the three men quickly turned around with shock, but saw no Fuery…or no miniskirt. They realized something was up when Hughes started laughing.

"Hey, what's so funny? That was a dirty trick!"

Between the heaps of laughter, Hughes laughed even harder. "Haha! You're gay!"

* * *

A/N: Here's my brief and real version of the story. I, my brother, and a friend were sitting down eating lunch. I was sitting across my bro, and I pointed to his way and gasped, "Look! There's a guy with his shirt off!" My friend and I were laughing when my brother actually turned around to look… Feel free to review.


	96. Pull My Finger

A/N: Okay, okay...the title isn't exactly what it says. Let me explain this: Since I've been somewhere else without any FMA, when and I came back, my grudge against Winry somehow grew. It's simple as that - Bullying her helps me cope. But I chose not to say anything rude. The idea of an old man hitting on her helps _me_ recover. (And renew with laughter).

* * *

**Hit Man: Codename- Pull My Finger**

* * *

After hours of spending a majority of the day shopping, Winry, sore all over, stopped to rest her tired aching muscles at an ice cream booth. She took her time to relax and sip a nice cold milkshake to refresh her energy. It wasn't even ten minutes when an elderly, nicely dressed man came to sit in the seat beside her.

This elderly man was dressed in an expensive tuxedo, with a small red rose bloom poking its way from the pocket. He also wore a black, pinstripe hat to go along with his lovely outfit. Of course, both he and Winry caught each other's attention in an instant; yet Winry's eyes shyly darted out of eye contact. She was extremely curious who the man was and what his reason could possibly be for dressing over-appropriately.

However, the man continued to stare at the young blonde girl with an air of startling curiosity. To Winry's dread, the man soon chuckled and said, "Don't mind the looks, my dear. But I believe you are a lovely young lady."

Winry didn't know how to respond. Words somehow crackled from her lips, "I- well, t-thank you…"

The old man grinned and turned in his seat to where both of them were facing rather closely. He patted her bare knee where her skirt met her skin and grinned. Winry shifted uncomfortable, but was relieved when the man's hand quickly lifted with his index finger pointed to the girl. Once again, he grinned, but this time, said, "Pull my finger, dear."

By the time he said that, Winry didn't know what to do. Instead of doing his desired order, she quickly gathered her purse in one hand and ran like crazy from the ice cream booth.

But the old gentleman exchanged a grin and a wink with the manager as the manager came up to face him, laughing heartily, then said, "I can't believe it! Who the hell set you up to do it?"

The old man shrugged. "Beats me." He pulled a stack of money out of his pocket, which equaled up ten dollars, and he proudly held it up against his face. "…But the young man who paid me sure has one hell of a sense of humor when it comes to paying a man like me." Again, the two men chuckled before tending to their own business.

* * *

A/N: That was fun. -checks wallet and sighs- I guess the ten dollars was worth it… Feel free to review.


	97. Granny Suit

A/N: My 50 Cent "Get Rich or Die Trying" CD broke last year…And I miss it… -sniff-

* * *

**Granny Suit**

* * *

As usual, it was a quiet day in Roy Mustang's office. The only thing that interfered with the silence was several muffled yawns and the occasional flip of the daily newspaper. The day was doomed to remain silent; but something extraordinarily surprising put a complete halt to such a quiet morning.

Lieutenant Jean Havoc burst into the office wearing a curly white wig and a humorous jiggly suit which resembled the build of an elderly woman (and it had a bosom that reached down past the waist). Roy stared at the disguised Lieutenant, mouth gaping wide open, as Havoc danced around the room singing in the crackliest womanly voice he could merge:

"_Do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and 'fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Can you hang them over your shoulder like a continental soldier? Do your boobs hang low!"_

Havoc tumbled over, giggling with his hand over his stomach as if it would fall off at any moment. Roy, however, kept his finger pointed straight at the door. "Get back to work!" he barked.

Feeling sheepish from the command, Havoc instantly tottered out of the office with hopes of entertaining the next person.

* * *

A/N: lol. Feel free to review.


	98. Ridin'

A/N: Where the heck did I get this idea? scratches head Anyway, the only thing I don't like about this song is the drug references, but I like the beat. Every time I hear it, it makes me think of Scar or some tough guy in FMA.

* * *

**Ridin' Dirty**

* * *

Colonel Roy Mustang and Lieutenant Jean Havoc were riding down the street in a shiny red car with the volume on the radio pumped up singing along:

"_They see me rollin'. They hatin'. Patrolling they trying to catch me ridin' dirty._

_Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty._

_Tryin to catch me ridin' dirty._

_Tryin to catch me ridin' dirty._

_Tryin to catch me ridin' dirty._

_My music so loud. I'm swangin. They hoping that they gonna catch me ridin' dirty._

_Tryin to catch me ridin' dirty._

_Tryin to catch me ridin' dirty._

_Tryin to catch me ridin' dirty._

_Tryin to catch me ridin' dirty._

* * *

A/N: Okay, okay…That was short, but I wanted to do that for fun. Feel free to review.


	99. Funny FMA Joke

A/N: This one is based on a joke I heard, except I changed the characters and made it funnier.

* * *

**Funny FMA Joke**

* * *

Three men in the military were riding an air plane. They were Ed Elric, Roy Mustang, and Maes Hughes. Ed, the youngest one of the bunch, was holding a banana. Roy, the manliest of the bunch, was holding an apple. And Hughes, the most social of the bunch, was holding a bomb.

Well, after several minutes of flying, Ed grew impatient and decided to throw the banana out the window, so he did. An hour later, Roy knew he wasn't going to eat the apple, so he decided to throw it out the window. Another hour after that, Hughes, not knowing what to do with the bomb, threw it out the window. Roy and Ed got mad at him for doing so, but Hughes shrugged it off.

Soon, they landed to return home. When Ed was on his way home, Winry was crying because a banana landed in her hair. When Roy returned home, he saw Havoc crying, because an apple hit him in the head earlier.

However, when Hughes was on his way home, he saw Kimbly laughing and asked what was so funny.

Between bursts of laughter, Kimbly replied, "I farted and the building behind me blew up!"

* * *

A/N: lol. You probably know the original. I dunno. Feel free to review.


	100. Ed vs Barney the Dinosaur

A/N: I am sad to say that this is the very last chapter of My Weird Stash of Random FMA Stories Part I. However, when I added 'Part I' to that, of course you now would have guessed that this isn't the end. And you're right. There will be another installment, so hold your horses for awhile. There'll also be another segment of it as another story called "Narcissistic Drabbles" (which was an interesting idea I got from a request), so keep your eyes open, if you can.

Now I present the very last chapter to be extremely weird and funny, based on a fanfiction I had written about a year ago. I didn't really edit this one properly as I should have, but oh well.

* * *

**Ed vs. Barney**

* * *

Ed crawled through the darkness of the cave, curious to know the strange objects which lurked inside. He could almost imagine the glory of finding nature-made mercury and salt and sulpher without having to do all the work (and maybe being awarded with a precious stone or two). He left Alphonse at the entrance of the cave, due to his larger size.

Once Ed reached an easier area of the cave to move in, he heard strange giggling noises which were almost inhuman. But, he figured his ears were deceiving him, so he continued to climb around. Yet, the giggling never ceased. Distracted from his work, Ed called out, "Is anyone in here? Hello?"

The giggling quieted down.

The young State Alchemist repeated himself once again, "Hello? Who else is here? Anyone?" Things grew dangerously silent…

Feeling a little frightened, Ed stood up and looked around. One moment, he saw a flash of purple. The anguish grew louder. Came another flash of purple…Or was it green? Finally, the giggling he heard several moments ago filled the cave, louder and louder, and the next thing he saw made him flinch with surprise. The shadowed form of a big purple dinosaur emerged from the opposite side of the cave, giggling…and giggling…and giggling some more…

"Who the hell are you?" Ed asked, eye twitching as he noticed the large automatic gun in the dino's hand and a slash of bullets across his chest.

"I am Barney!" the dinosaur answered. "And if you want to get through this cave, you've got to get through me first! He, he, heee!"

Ed grinned. "You are one crazy bastard I can say that much." He clapped his hands and transmuted his automail arm into a blade. "Bring it on!"

The Eye of the Tiger theme came on… Ed advanced toward Barney with his blade in stabbing position. However, the dinosaur was too quick; the automatic gun was firing straight at Edward. And as the gun went off, Barney had his head tilted back in a fit of giggling the entire time as the gun shot off. Luckily, Ed somehow succeeded in dodging most of Barney's bullets, but he had a rough time doing so.

After feeling faint and tired from all the running, Ed ducked low behind a rock. Barney stopped when he realized the little guy was missing and decided to look for him. "Where did the little midget go?" Barney said, almost in a song.

"I'M NOT A MIDGET!" Ed accidentally popped out from behind the rock shaking his fist, giving Barney a perfect target.

"Oh yeah you are, little itsy bitsy shrimpy!" Barney said again.

"OH NO I'M NOT!" Ed argued. This time, he fled the rock, clapped his hands together, and transmuted a large cannon. As he stood on the cannon, he said, "Hey stupid, do you give up yet?"

"How impolite!" Barney said as he reloaded the gun. "I'll have to teach you a lesson!"

"Bet my ass you will," Ed muttered. He clapped his hands once again and shot off the cannon. Barney gasped with horror as the cannon landed right at his gut, causing him to roll down the rest of the cavern. After rolling with the ball for some time, Barney hit against the cave walls, causing the entire cave to shake violently. Barney recovered quickly, though, it was time to escape. The cave was going to collapse soon!

Ed started for the entry, looking back to make sure Barney wouldn't dare hold him back. But once he was about to reach the entry, he felt something grab his foot. When he turned around, he saw it was Barney, and yelled, "Let go of me!" Poor Ed swung his foot around, but the evil dinosaur wouldn't let go. Ed finally called for Al, who heard all the commotion, to come save him from the hands of Barney.

Al poked his head into the cave, and seeing what was going on, he undid his loincloth; holding on to one end, he threw the other end to Ed like a rope, who grabbed it gratefully. As Al tried to pull Ed up, Barney's weight was too heavy. Al swore loudly at the dinosaur, saying, "Let go of my brother, you creep!" Barney just lifted his gun and aimed it at Al; the bullets ricocheted off the armor, causing Barney to gape with surprise. Angry as the younger brother was, he jogged the dinosaur in the head with his armored fist.

While the cave was collapsing, Barney fell into the rest of the rocks, crashing into oblivion. Al accomplished getting Ed out of the cave; while panting loudly in the grass, Ed told the younger brother, "Please, Al, never let me go into another cave again. I didn't even succeed in getting the things I need for the next report."

"Where do you think that weird creature came from?"

"How am I supposed to know?" Ed stood up. "Whatever. Hey, let's go bug the crap out of Mustang."

"Okay," Al meekly chimed.

* * *

A/N: There's something else I would like to point out. If you've noticed in some chapters (not in this one, though), there's been a mysterious unnamed person weaving way around in My Weird Stash of Random FMA Stories. By now after mentioning it, some of you probably have guessed who it is. And if you haven't, the answer's right in front of you. :) And yes, it's a good disguise.

By the way, I wanted to thank all my readers and reviewers and the family and all my friends. Thank you all. And feel free to review.


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